Welcome back to FifG, laydeez.*
And welcome back to Monday MELF.
For those of you who don’t remember what this is, on account of the fact that I have not posted a similar column for three years, let me remind you by way of reposting the origin story, if you will:
As a preteen, my friends and I used to play the FLAME game.
The rules were mildly convoluted, but the point of the game was to figure out if you and the boy you liked were destined to be:
Alimony (aka Divorced)
Now, granted, 12-year-olds should maybe not be interested in finding a lover. And, yes, the game creator clearly couldn’t think of anything better for the letter A. However, I thought this might be a fun game to apply to the league’s QBs… I’ve decided to drop Alimony. I think E for enemies covers that one anyway. Also, since I thought of this on a Monday, I’m moving the M and renaming the game Monday MELF. Could I just post this Friday and keep its rightful name? Yes! But I’m not going to. (Also, Friday FLEM? Not so appealing…)
Without further ado, let’s begin with the quarterbacks of the home of the Super Bowl-winning Ravens–the AFC North.
M: Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens
Joe Flacco is a good, solid QB who is a bit under the radar but makes big plays when you need them. If those traits aren’t the foundation of a quality relationship, I don’t know what are. Also, he’s cute in that way that when you’re naming a list of the hottest players you would never mention Joe, but then when you see him you’re like, Oh, shoot, maybe I should have added Joe to the list! Which is good, because you’re married to a secretly hot guy, and all the super models and actresses won’t realize that they should be trying to steal him. Also, you get to have the last name Flacco.
E: Ben Roethlisberger
Remember that time he allegedly raped that girl in the bathroom? Yeah, me too.
L: Andy Dalton, Cincinnati Bengals
He kind of looks like Prince Harry.
F: Brandon Weeden, Cleveland Browns
First of all, doesn’t he look like your best friend’s older brother who always let you tag along for ice cream, even though he was going out with his cool high school friends? Second, did you know that Brandon is a huge advocate for pediatric cardiology charities because of his friendship with five-year-old Gavin–Weeden’s number 1 fan–who was born with the congenital heart disease Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome? Now, try to tell me you don’t want to be Brandon’s super bestie.
FifGers, what do you think? Did I get this week’s Monday MELF right?
*Still a little rusty on my return to FifG, but help me out: Does laydeez sound like a cute & bloggy way to address readers, or like the name of a strip club located just off the interstate?