Wild Card Weekend, Day 2: zzzzzzz

Theoretically, the playoffs are fun for everyone–whether your team made the postseason or not. But this weekend’s games are a snooze and three-fourths. Seriously. After like 5 minutes of each game it’s been entirely clear who would win. (Though, I suppose the Cardinals and Packers are still playing, so I cannot say that the Cardinals will win with 100% certainty.) 

Didn’t watch the game but need some grist for the water cooler mill? Here ya go:

Jets vs. Bengals:

The final score: Jets 24, Bengals 14
Fun facts:
-The Jets won with a rookie QB (Mark Sanchez) and a rookie head coach (Rex Ryan)
-There has been a 2-week twitter battle between Chad Ochocinco and Jets cornerback Darelle Revis. Ochocinco only had 2 catches for 28 yards, so apparently Revis won.
-The Bengals are currently enduring the league’s longest playoff-win drought.
Conversation Starters:
- What do you think about Sanchize winning his first playoff game? (You’ll sound totally inside baseball (er, football) on this one. Sanchize is Mark Sanchez’s nickname, because he is the franchise QB. Get it?)
-How sad are you for Ochocinco? Losing his buddy Chris Henry and then this game? Did you see him crying? (ED note: FifG’s official position on Ochocinco is that he is funny, and entertaining, and awesome for the game.)

FifG loves you.

 

Eagles vs. Cowboys:

The final score: Cowboys 34, Eagles 14
Fun facts:
-So much for Tony Romo’s Playoff Curse. This is the Cowboys’ first playoff win since 1996. 
-Michael Vick (Eagles QB/former dog-assaulter)completed the longest touchdown pass of his career in the game. It was a 76-yard pass to Jeremy Maclin.
Conversation Starters:
- Did the Romo’s new girlfriend de-curse him? (Guess they’ll have to get married. Sorry, Jessica.)

Chace Crawford and his sister, Tony Romo's girlfriend. (Sorry, I prefer photos of Chace to photos of Tony.)

 

Pats vs. Ravens:

The final score: Ravens 33, Pats 14
Fun facts:
-Tom Brady won the Comeback Player of the Year this year. But he didn’t come back that far, apparently. (Apologies to Friend Kevin, a huge Pats fan, for that. But I wanted someone else to win the Comeback award.)
-Baltimore rookie RB Ray Rice had 22 carries for an impressive 159 yards. 
-Julian Edelman (former Cute Player of the Week) had a good game, catching 2 touchdown passes. He filled in for injured Wes Welker (also a Cute Player of the Week!).
Conversation Starters:
- Do you think that was Wes Welker’s girlfriend sitting next to him in the press box of the game? 
- What happened to the Pats? Does this loss in any way tarnish their legacy as the team of the 2000′s?
-The heck did the Ravens come from? Think they can play spoiler again next week at Indy? 

Except for the whole sticking-the-tongue-out thing, this is a good picture of Julian, no?

 

Cardinals vs. Packers:

[UPDATE, 7:02 EST: Ok, it's not that boring.]
[UPDATE, 7:08 EST: Ok, it's exciting.]
The final score: Cardinals 7,029, Packers 10 (as predicted in the 3rd quarter of play)
Conversation Starters:
-Did you find this game incredibly dull, or are you a Cardinals fan? 
-I guess Aaron Rodgers won’t get to face Brett Favre for a third time this season to get a little vindication, eh? 
-How much do you like Larry Fitzgerald? I like him a bushel and a peck, myself.

 

FifG Game of the Week: New York Giants v. Dallas Cowboys

New York Giants [11-2] vs. Dallas Cowboys [8-5] (Sunday 8:15 p.m., NBC)

Why it’s good football:Because the NFC East is the most popular division in football (see Pro Bowl voting), and this is a big chance for the Giants to prove that they have not been hindered by the loss of Plaxico Burress after last week’s less than stellar outing against the Eagles. This is also a huge game for Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowboys. They need to win to stay firmly in the NFC Wild Card playoff race,, and considering they were considered preseason Super Bowl favorites, it would be rather humiliating for them to not even make the playoffs. Romo was out with a bum pinkie for a while, but his return hasn’t had quite the impact some thought it would.

Why you might care:

If you’re a football fan, the odds are good that you are either a huge Cowboys fan or a huge Cowboys hater, and considering how crucial this game is to “America’s Team,” this is a fun one. Also, it’s on NBC, so everyone can watch. Because, really, Brothers and Sisters has just not been that good this year. And I was hoping they would Ephram or Jason Street to play Ryan–which would have made the whole premise of Ryan less stupid–but they hired this dude instead.

So, what I’m saying is, you’ll have the free time to watch the game anyway.

Football is just like Pop Culture!

It’s happening! It’s happening!

Shannen Doherty is getting kicked out of Charmed!

Read this awesome article, please. And this. Oh, it’s too good.

Owens still has one good comeback left in him. Right, Shannen?

Boyfriend/Husband/Dad/Other will be so impressed!

Conversation Starters:

- Can Tony Romo win any big games? He sure seems to choke at the wrong time.

- Do you think the Giants’ loss last week was related to stress from the Plaxico incident, or did they just have an off week?

Player Pronunciation:

Andre Gurode (DAL): ahn-dray jur-ahd (I don’t usually feature offensive linemen here, but he’s a fellow Buffalo.)

Mathias Kiwanuka (NYG): mah-thī-uhs kee-wah-noo-ka

-Player name note: When I hear the name of Giants WR Amani Toomer, my brain goes right to Kindergarten Cop when Ahnold says, “It’s not a too-mah.”

This memorable catch-phrase has exactly the same number of syllables as the receiver’s name!

I recommend you do as I do, and every time an announcer says his name, repeat it like this: “A-mah-ni Too-mah.”

Cute football players of the week:

Jason Witten, Tight End, Dallas Cowboys

 

Jason Witten doesn't watch Charmed.

Witten and Mose Philips look away when 90210 comes on TV.

Comedy for a Cause!

Hiya folks,

A friend of mine started an awesome charity for young adult cancer survivors called The SAMFund. Said charity is hosting an event tonight, so I wanted to get the word out, in case anyone is reading and lives in the NYC area. If not, feel free to donate to her organization anyway. It’s a great cause and a great charity!

Tony Romo would do it!

Michael Phelps would, too!

I hear Brady Quinn loves stand-up comedy!

Um… who else gets a lot of WordPress searches now?

Obama would totally go to this event!

 

Here’s the info:

Host:

The SAMFund

Date:	Thursday, December 4, 2008
Time:	7:00pm – 10:00pm
Location:	Stand Up New York
Street:	236 West 78th Street
City/Town:	New York, NY

 

The temperatures are dropping. The economy sucks. We could all use a few laughs…..

So please join us for the fifth annual SAMFund comedy night in NYC! 

This is the most exciting time of year for us — we have just finished reviewing the applications for this year’s grants and scholarships and are excited to announce that we are about to distribute another $150,000 to young adult survivors across the country! We will be calling recipients in the coming weeks to tell them that we will be paying off their residual medical bills (so that the bill collectors can stop calling them), helping them go back to school, covering fertility expenses so that they can start a family, and paying their rent, utilities or transportation costs so that they can focus on regaining their financial footing. In the past three years, we have awarded a total of $250,000 to individuals who are struggling to move forward with their lives after cancer treatment.

The show usually sells out, so please purchase your tickets in advance. To buy tickets:

1) Order online at http://www.thesamfund.org/pages/donate.html 

-donate $40 per ticket (or more if you’d like to make an additional donation!)
-in the line “donate on behalf of” please indicate COMEDY SHOW

Monday MELF

As a preteen, my friends and I used to play the FLAME game.

The rules were mildly convoluted, but the point of the game was to figure out if you and the boy you liked were destined to be:

Friends

Lovers

Alimony (aka Divorced)

Married

Enemies

Now, granted 12 year olds should maybe not be interested in finding a lover. And, yes, the game creator clearly couldn’t think of anything better for the letter A. However, I thought this might be a fun game to apply to the league’s QBs.

I thought I’d break the candidates down by division, and since there are only four teams apiece, I’ve decided to drop Alimony. I think E for enemies covers that one anyway. Also, since I thought of this on a Monday, I’m moving the M and renaming the game Monday MELF. Could I just post this Friday and keep its rightful name? Yes! But I’m not going to.

Also, consider this interactive, and if you disagree with my choices, post away in the comments. (Because 21 people read this blog yesterday, so clearly my readership is growing like gangbusters.)

In honor of the FifG Game of the week, today we’ll start things off with the

NFC EAST

Married–Donovan McNabb, Philadelphia Eagles

Donovan had a rough year last year, but when he’s on his game, he smiles a lot, makes jokes, and generally seems like a happy guy. It’s key to marry someone who makes you laugh. Plus, he comes across as intelligent in interviews. And when he vomits on the field during the Super Bowl, he’ll need someone to give him a hug and make him feel better. Vulnerable and tough. A winning combo!

Also, he’s very close to his mom (see: Campbell’s soup ads), which can be a good measure of his respect for the female gender. However, if he he is too close to his mom he’d likely end up in the now-defunct Alimony category.

Donovan gets a kick out of marriage!

Ugh! You don't even know me!

Enemies–Jason Campbell, Washington Redskins

He’d probably be really angry at me for knowing nothing about him at all.

Lovers–Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys

Tony received the first weekly Cute Football Player honor on Friday, and that alone qualifies him for the category. I also noted the fact that he seems to have a penchant for shiny-haired, singing blonds, which would leave my non-singing, brunette self out of the running for a long term relationship, but then, who wants to commit to someone that can remain fascinated by Jessica Simpson for 6 months? (Man, this blog is hard on Jessica Simpson. Sorry, Jessica!)

Not quite ready for a commitment.

Friends–Eli Manning, New York Giants

Now can I be your friend?

Eli has been starring in lots of commercials with and without his brother lately, thanks to last year’s Super Bowl win as much as his lineage of football royalty. And, you know what? He’s getting funnier! Funny enough that you’d want to hang out with him, eat some pizza, laugh about how funny his brother was on Saturday Night Live, and then go back to Donovan and be all like, You know? Eli is really coming into his own. And then Donovan would be like, That’s what my mama said, too. And then you’d be all, What does your mom have to do with this? Can we have a conversation without mentioning your mom? And he’d be like, My mom has more class in her little pinky than…

Anyway, if you’re friends with Eli you’d probably get to meet Peyton.

FifG Game of the Week: Dallas vs. Philadelphia

Ok, first, I would like to say that I am very excited to have abbreviated the name of the blog for this post. I feel very official now. Welcome to FifG!

Second, as a blog with an abbreviatable title, I think it is time to have some sort of weekly thing that I do that makes this more of the kind of thing that a person might have an interest in reading. (Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!)

With that in mind, welcome to the first weekly Game of the Week! My thought is that I will present a game that many will be able to watch, and I’ll give you some things to watch for and some reasons that the game might potentially hold your interest. Let’s see how it goes.

Dallas Cowboys vs. Philadelphia Eagles (Monday night, ESPN, 8:30 p.m.)

Why it’s good football: These are two of the top teams in the NFC, two solid quarterbacks in Tony Romo and Donovan McNabb

Why you might care:

Jessica Simpson will be there. She’s dating Dallas QB Tony Romo (duh), and she made some statements during her performance on Good Morning America that were all, “In your face, Teams Who Play My Man!” As we the gossip-savvy public know, Jessica Simpson was present for Tony Romo’s worst. game. ever., and everyone says she’s a curse. So if you happen to hate Jessica Simpson (Ugh, she’s so stupid!), then watch to see how dejected she will look if Tony plays horribly. OR, if you love Jessica (Her hair is so shiny! Her sister is so pregnant!), you can bet that the camera will be on her at least 1,000 times, which will give you the perfect opportunity to watch her cheer and wave and hug her daddy.

Football is just like Pop Culture! Dallas wide receiver Terrell Owens is to Football as Shannen Doherty is to TV

Terrell Owens is an extremely talented wide receiver, but also narcissistic, cranky, and super duper crazy. (In general, the most obnoxious football players are wide receivers.) Shannen Doherty is a moderately talented actress, but also narcissistic, bitchy, and super duper crazy. Remember in the younger Shannen days when she was always in the tabloids because of her obnoxious behavior? She was on 90210 and then kicked off. She was on Charmed and then kicked off. You kept pulling for her because her bitchitude was so compelling that it made the shows she was on more fun. Then she decides to come back for the new 90210, and it was like, oh! I hope she’s all better now and mature! But really you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and secretly kind of hoping it will, because you loves the crazy.

Same deal. Terrell is crazy. He played for the Eagles and was incredibly talented but a loose cannon in terms of mood and sanity. And it was kind of fun to watch from the outside because insane people make us laugh. However, just like Aaron Spelling and Shannen’s costars, the Eagles weren’t so much entertained by Owens and his shenanigans, and when he left for the division rival Cowboys (where he now plays), he left on a sour note. So this week he’s playing the people who hated him enough to get him off the team (just like Shannen and her new/old costar Jennie Garth!). Granted, it’s been a few years since he played for the Cowboys, but, like Shannen, we can hold out a little hope that the crazy will come out… at least a little.

Cute football player of the week: Because all the guy football columns have cheerleader pictures.

Ok, I can’t figure out how to upload pictures here yet, so go to this link.

http://cm1.dotspotter.com/media/0/53/41/tony_romo.0.0.0×0.432×595.jpeg

I’ll give you a hint. It’s Tony Romo. He has dimples. And he dated Carrie Underwood for a while, and she seems smarter than Jessica Simpson, so maybe the dating airheads thing is just a phase and not proof that he is also an airhead. Sorry, Jessica. I mean, maybe dating girls with shiny hair is just a phase and not proof that he has, um, shiny hair?

Boyfriend/Husband/Dad/Other will be so impressed!

Conversation Starters:

-I think Donovan is going to have a much better year in 2008. In fact, I think the Eagles might take the NFC East. What do you think?

-I can’t believe Pacman is going by Adam Jones now. So boring, right?

Fun Fact:

-In the 2004-05 seasons, McNabb and TO (Owens) had 20 touchdowns. That was the 3rd most in the league for those two seasons, and they only played together in 21 out of 36 games! (Thanks to ESPN’s Matt Mosley for that.)

Player Pronunciation:

Terrell Owens (DAL): tair-uhl ō-wens

Correll Buckhalter (PHI): cohr-rel buhk-hawl-ter

Note that the first names are similar, but the stress is on different syllables.