“Ugh”

Visceral Scott Hamilton reaction to the American championship figure skater Jeremy Abbott after screwing up big time.

 

I wanted to embed this SNL skit about Olympic skating, but it is nowhere to be found. Come on, NBC and youtube.

 

Figure skating announcing is the best, because, unlike most sports, when the skater is doing really well the announcers are completely silent. For like minutes.

And when things are not going so well, commentary ranges from the aforementioned “Ugh,”  to “Oh nooooo,” or just a violent intake of air. Which, you know, I do at home, too. So maybe I should be pursuing this whole figure skating announcing thing as a career.

My trademark, I think, will be that when the skaters start crying after a bad performance that makes the past 4 years of 80-hour training weeks totally null and void, I will cry too. And rend my clothing.

Those poor skaters. It’s like, I feel bad for Peyton Manning and his reputation for choking in big games, but at least the dude makes a ton of money either way. These guys are amateurs, not pro. Man oh man.

On a happier side note, I think Johnny Weir is like a magical blend of Adam Lambert and Lady Gaga. Even though he sort of exude bitchery, I like him. He just do what he do. Also, he has a face like an adorable puppy.

Oh, and the pink font is in honor of Johnny’s pink corset strings and shoulder tassel. Why not.

Who Should I Root For? Gossip Girl Edition

I love chatting with other girls who love football, but I also understand that some folks who are not into football are forced to watch the Super Bowl. (For instance, when I was a kid, the halftime show was the only thing I enjoyed. Dancing children in multicultural costumes! Random singing people! Audience members with color-coded cards that form stadium-size pictures!)

So for those of you who are going to watch whether you want to or not, please trust me when I say that you will have much more fun watching if you pick a side to support. And I am here to help.

First of all, the two teams playing are the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints.

Now, let’s put these teams into perspective, Gossip Girl Style.

In the world of Serena vs. Blair, the Colts are Serena and the Saints are Blair.

Let me ‘splain:

The hair! So pretty!

Indianapolis Colts, aka Serena: The Colts are good. They have been good for years. They will be good for years to come. That’s because they have an amazing QB in Peyton Manning. Manning is, in fact, one of the best QBs of all time. Like, top 5 easily. The rest of the team has had its ups and downs, but as long as Peyton is around, they have always been able to pull it together. Never the underdog, always lauded by the media, they lead sort of a charmed existence, but somehow still manage to be likable.

Just like Serena, who gets whatever she wants, whom every boy loves, no matter how weird or stupid her actions are. And yet, you can’t really hate Serena. Mostly, I think, because she has awesome hair. Which doesn’t really apply, but it’s just the truth.

Chuck + Blair = Awesome

New Orleans Saints, aka Blair: The Saints, on the other hand, have been perpetual losers in their NFL life. This will be the team’s first ever trip to the Super Bowl. And though their QB, Drew Brees, is also amazing at what he does, he flies way under the radar compared to Manning and his 20 bazillion commercials (he’s the one on those American Express ads). The Saints are having a charmed run this NFL season, but they’ve been through a lot–not just the fact that they are city representatives for post-Katrina New Orleans, but even in football terms, the team has been championship caliber for years, but always fell apart due to injuries, poor coaching, etc. This is their time to shine, and suddenly they are becoming the most likable team around.

Just like Blair was the underdog all along–sure she had all the advantages, but no matter what she did she always fell short in the eyes of boys (Nate loved Serena more), her mom (who loved Serena more), and everyone else (her school, the media, etc.). But then she started dating Chuck, and the show became hers. No arguing it, right? She has the TV season in the palm of her hands with awesomeness. Granted, she is also way privileged and super-bitchy, which isn’t Saints-like at all, but it’s all about context.

So who would you rather support: Serena’s Colts or Blair’s Saints?

Monday MELF: Conference Championship-Style

We’re going retro on FifG today–all the way back to September ’08 when I started this blog–to bring back the Monday MELF.

Here’s the deal (as previously posted):

As a preteen, my friends and I used to play the FLAME game.
The rules were mildly convoluted, but the point of the game was to figure out if you and the boy you liked were destined to be:
Friends
Lovers
Alimony (aka Divorced)
Married
Enemies

Now, granted, 12-year-olds should maybe not be interested in finding a lover. And, yes, the game creator clearly couldn’t think of anything better for the letter A. However, I thought this might be a fun game to apply to the league’s QBs…  I’ve decided to drop Alimony. I think E for enemies covers that one anyway. Also, since I thought of this on a Monday, I’m moving the M and renaming the game Monday MELF. Could I just post this Friday and keep its rightful name? Yes! But I’m not going to.

So there you have it. Now let’s try it with the four remaining playoff QBs (clockwise from left): Peyton Manning (Indianapols Colts), Mark Sanchez (NY Jets), Drew Brees (New Orleans Saints), and Brett Favre (Minnesota Vikings).

Married: Peyton Manning. When you’re thinking long term, you have to go with the funny guys. And Peyton Manning cracks me up. Plus, he’s one of the best QBs of all time, and with his commercials airing every 5 minutes, you know he has a viable career after football.

Enemies: Brett Favre. He strikes me as being a little narcissistic. Which is great, and maybe even necessary, in a competitor. But not for social time.

Lovers: Mark Sanchez. Duh.

Friends: Drew Brees. He seems like a friendly, easy-going guy, and he’s done a lot for the city of New Orleans. And who doesn’t like a charitable friend? Also, maybe he can introduce me to Alfonso Ribeiro.

How would you guys rank them?

I love him, too, but…

A slight overstatement by the announcers, perhaps?

“For those of you that love this game and have any sense of history at all, appreciate what you’re watching every time you get the opportunity to watch Peyton Manning play the position of quarterback.”

So, there you go. I hope all of you historians are appreciating this opportunity.

"Hey Brett, how do YOU deal with the kiss-ass announcers?"

Playoffs: Colts vs. Ravens

Indianapolis Colts vs. Baltimore Ravens (8:15 P.M.)

About the game:

The Colts are the #1 seed in the AFC, but they decided to rest their starters over the past few weeks (because they had already clinched the #1 spot in the AFC weeks ago). Which means that the main guys on the team haven’t played a real game in a long time. As for the Baltimore Ravens, they just completely obliterated the New England Patriots last week, so they are on a roll. Will the Colts win because they’ve gotten so darn much rest? Or will the Ravens win because they are on a roll?

Any Pop-Culture Connections for this Game?

So glad that you asked! Did you watch Roseanne? Great, then check out how the Colts and Ravens are just like Old Beck and New Becky here. Oh, and while you’re at it, why don’t you check out the Colts’ exceptionally cute rookies.

You know you're good looking when... THIS is a flattering angle. Colts Rookie WR Austin Collie

Who should I root for?

If you are an underdog kind of a gal, this one is all about the Ravens. They weren’t even a guaranteed a playoff spot until the last week of the season, yet they played amazingly well last week.

Then again, it’s easy to be a (Colts QB) Peyton Manning fan nowadays. The dude is sort of ubiquitous, but has a great sense of humor and knows how to not take himself so seriously. I think he’s one of the few athletes for which a Tiger Woods-like scandal would completely shake my confidence in humanity.

Also, if you are a Kendrank/Kankle fan (aka Kendra and Hank Baskett from E!), let’s remember that Hank is currently a Colt.

But if you hate Tom Brady (which many do), you might want the Ravens to win, just because the Ravens knocked the Pats out of the playoffs so humiliatingly early.

Weekly Wrap-Up

Hey, look at me! I’m writing a weekly wrap-up! During the week!

I know, I know, I’m an amazing blogger.

Anyhoo, let’s wrap-up.

Football-related:

• Full disclosure first: This is a really difficult season for me to care about. Why? Because my team (the Bucs) are 1-10. Last year this time I knew every team in the league’s records. I knew who was in position for a wild card playoff slot. I knew all of the top players and who was struggling and all that jazz. This year I’m like, uh, now are the Steelers like 7-4? Or 4-7? Or maybe they decided to sit out this year? Dunno. So anyway,  football depresses me. A lot. So I haven’t been writing as much.
• That said, holy cowza did the Saints win on Monday! I did not see that coming. I mean, a win sure. But a trouncing of the Pats? Who knew. It seems like the Saints are set for a straight shot to the Super Bowl, but I guess the Vikings will probably have something to say about that. I still think that a NFC Championship with Saints vs. Vikings, followed by the winner playing the Colts will be the most awesomely awesome end-of-postseason possible. (Because the Bucs can’t make it, obvi.) Can you imagine Brees and the city of New Orleans vs. Brett Favre? And either one of them vs. Peyton Manning?!?!
  If the Super Bowl turns out to be the Cardinals vs. the Chargers I am seriously canceling my NFL fandom.
• I watched the MNF game on my computer. It was live-streaming from Australia. Fun fact: In Australia, Burger King is called Hungry Jack’s. And instead of saying the burger is topped with “lettuce,” they say it is topped with “salad.” Fascinating.
• Who loves the new Peyton Manning commercial? I do! I know I’m supposed to have jaded feelings about him and say how he’s so overexposed, and I’m so over him. But I can’t.  I’m sorry. I love everything he does.
  (“It’s a football.” “Who told you?!” Priceless.)

Non-football:

• Happy birthday to Friend Cupcake, on whose behalf I made delicious chocolate chip cookies last night because I am just that thoughtful. However, I just ate one of said cookies, and it cut the top of my mouth. A leetle crunchy, those. Sorry, Friend Cupcake.
• So You Think You Can Dance:
  1) The final 3 had better be Jakob, Ellenore, and Russell.

  2) Yay for a dance that I loved finally! Care of Ellenore and Jakob, whom I hope will “coincidentally” pick each other as partners every week, like Katee and Josh did. The dance is Sonya Tayeh, and it’s weird awesome and amazing (just like Ellenore and Jakob, respectively).

  3) Why would anyone give their kid a name that ends in a double-e? It basically ensures that your kid will be a perpetual toddler. Case in point: Mollee.

  4) Who else applauds every time Anya or Pasha shows up in the audience? And who else started shrieking when they saw (an uncredited) Katee helping one of the choreographers a few weeks ago? Everyone did? I thought so!

  5) New idea: Every time the judges give a critique, show the choreographer’s reaction. Especially when the choreographer is Spencer, the new Broadway guy.

  6) Newer idea: Every time the judges give a critique of any dance, show Spencer, the new Broadway guy.

  

  Newest Idea: After every dance, show Spencer in a bikini!

FifG Games of the Week: The Playoffs, Wild Card Edition

Welcome to the playoffs!

Since there are now only four games per week, it seems a little silly to choose one game of the week. So I’ll go ahead and try to give you a few talking points for each game.

Game 1: Atlanta Falcons vs. Arizona Cardinals [Saturday 4:30 p.m., NBC]

This one is super young vs. super old as rookie QB Matt Ryan and the Falcons travel to Arizona to face 37-year-old Kurt Warner. (In football years, 37 is equal to like 97.) In January of 2000, Kurt Warner won a Super Bowl with the Rams.  In January of 2000, Matt Ryan was a high school freshman.  Hmm.

Pop Culture: Don’t you think Ed Hartwell wishes he was still a Falcon? Poor dude.

Player pronunciation:

Steve Breaston (ARI): steev brehs-tuhn

Reasons to root one way or another:

Falcons: Feel good story of young guy going to the Super Bowl.

Cardinals: Feel good story of an old guy going to the Super Bowl.

Game 2: Indianapolis Colts vs. San Diego Chargers [Saturday 8:00, NBC]

So, the 8-8 Chargers did make the playoffs and got a home game for winning the division. However, there really doesn’t seem to be much if any uproar about it, so never mind my thought that people would be upset. Oh well. Anyway, somehow lots of people seem to think the Chargers will win this one. I guess because of the home field advantage? Even though the Colts have won 12 games this year? And Peyton Manning was voted league MVP? Whatevs.

I think you all know who I want to win this game. (It rhymes with Schmolts.)

Fun fact:

-Indianapolis running back Joseph Addai had 1,072 rushing yards in 2007 and 544 in 2008. Lots of angry fantasy football players out there counting on big numbers from him.

Reasons to root one way or another:

Colts: Tony Dungy may retire this year, and it’d be nice for him to end on a good note. Dungy is widely respected for his calm demeanor and Christian values. He faced adversity a few years ago when his teenage son killed himself, but remained active in charitable work as well as football.

Chargers: The Chargers were pre-season favorites and faltered during the year. A good story for a team who managed to pick themselves up and dust themselves off heading into the playoffs.

Game 3: Baltimore Ravens vs. Miami Dolphins [Sunday 1:00, CBS]

Two unlikely teams in this one. The Ravens have a famously strong defense, but it was hard to imagine that a rookie QB/coach combo could carry the defense to the playoffs. Surprise! As for the Dolphins, they won a single game last year, and this year they won 11. QB Chad Pennington was dumped by the Jets last year in favor of Brett Favre, and the huge chip on his shoulder didn’t hurt his throwing arm at all. (Must have been on the other shoulder.) It probably didn’t hurt that the dolphins had former (really good) coach Bill Parcells pulling strings in the front office, either.

Conversation Starter:

-Who is the better story this year: Joe Flacco or Matt Ryan?

Reasons to root one way or another:

Ravens: Again, the young QB makes a nice feel-good story.

Dolphins: 1-16 one year, Super Bowl the next. Not entirely likely, but a great story!

Game 4: Philadelphia Eagles vs. Minnesota Vikings [Sunday 4:15, FOX]

The Eagles seriously backed their way into the playoffs with a Chicago and a Tampa (sigh) loss in the last game of the season. However, they did destroy the Dallas Cowboys, who were favored by many before the season started to be the NFC’s Super Bowl contender. So what do they have? Momentum! And what else do they have? A QB who is playing for a big new contract! Donovan McNabb might play somewhere new next year, though that likely depends on what happens in the playoffs, and this is a great time for him to show other teams how much money he is worth on a national stage!

As for the Vikings, they won the weak NFC North division and have the potential to do great things, but that potential rests on the legs of running back Adrian Peterson. The second-year Oklahoma grad is a phenom, and he’ll likely need to continue to be to win playoff games.

Cute Football Players of the Week:

Adrian Peterson, Vikings RB

An old photo, but he's still only 23.

Mark Sanchez, USC QB

No, he's not in the NFL yet. But he's earned this.

See?

Reasons to root one way or another:

Eagles: My friend Renada just moved to Philadelphia. Please root for them on her behalf. (I don’t like the Eagles, personally, so that’s all I got.)

Vikings: Their colors are purple and yellow. Pretty!

FifG Game of the Week: MICHAEL PHELPS SPECIAL–Baltimore Ravens v. Pittsburgh Steelers

Baltimore Ravens [2-0] vs. Pittsburgh Steelers [2-1] (Monday 8:30 p.m., ESPN)

Why it’s good football: Because Michael Phelps is a Ravens fan! Ok, so on WordPress.com you can tell what search words people are using to find your page. I posted one thing about Michael Phelps on SNL, and it was really about Peyton Manning, honestly, but that’s still my top post and the main item that draws people to my page. So, heck, why not cater to the Phelps fans out there.

Also, the Ravens have already won two games this year, against Cincinnati and Cleveland teams that were supposed to be good, though that may not be the case. So are the Ravens really good, or were the other teams really bad? The Steelers won their first two games and seemed on top of their game but were beaten fairly handily at the expense of their Pennsylvania brethren in Philadelphia. They were expected to head right to the playoffs, but it remains to be seen how will they measure up against their division rivals.

Why you might care:

Because Michael Phelps is a Ravens fan!

Football is just like Pop Culture!

In the first season of Gossip Girl, Jenny was the uncool freshman Brooklynite who wanted to worm her way into the cool Upper East Side crowd, led by Queen Bee Blair Waldorf. Jenny had some initial struggles, but she managed to transform herself into the typical UES prep girl in a flash, even out-Waldorfing Blair in the act. Of course, by season’s end Jenny realized that she’d become a lying, gossip-mongering, hateful girl, and she cried it out with her family, took some punishment, and returned to the lovably poor (though have you seen rent prices in Williamsburg? Not cheap!) and uncool person she’d been before. And Blair returned to her throne as the bitchiest in the land.

Well, Ravens QB Joe Flacco is a rookie himself, and, like Jenny, he’s captured the football world’s attention off the bat with some wins. But will he find a spot at the head of the AFC North’s QB club, or will Ben Roethlisberger–Pittsburgh’s highly touted youngest Super Bowl winning QB ever–remain the leader of the pack?

Is Joe Flacco the next...

...Jenny Humphrey?

Boyfriend/Husband/Dad/Other will be so impressed!

Conversation Starters:

-What do you think, is Flacco is the real thing?

-The Steelers only ran the ball six times in a half against the Eagles last week. What do you think is going on?

-Think the Browns were really trying to gouge out McGahee’s eyes last week?

Fun Fact:

The Ravens have finished in the NFL’s top 10 in total defense the past five years and eight of the past nine. (per the Baltimore Sun)

Player Pronunciation:

Joe Flacco (BAL): joh flak-oh

Ben Roethlisberger (PIT): ben rawth-lis-bur-ger

Cute football player(s) of the week:

Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo (He used to play for the Bears. Hence the uniform.)

I can't tell you how to pronounce his last name.

Michael Phelps, you are no Peyton Manning.

Remember that Saturday Night Live skit with Will Forte as the high school basketball coach?

Remember how he danced goofily to that Burt Bacharach song?

And then Peyton Manning started dancing?

And it was really funny?

That was awesome.

I watched a bit of Saturday Night Live last night (yay, Tina Fey!), and was pained to see the awkward reimagining of one of my favorite Peyton Manning skits. Phelps is a graceful swimmer, but I don’t think he’s quite honed his comedy chops yet. Keep training, Michael!

I wanted to post a clip of the Manning skit here for those who missed it, but it seems NBC has other ideas. So here’s a couple of kids sort of kind of reenacting the skit. Sort of. Kind of.

Enjoy!