Ok, yes, Idol is done for the year. But I’m still reading about the Idol finalists, and I thought I would share some items of possible interest (to me, anyway).
Matt’s Giraud has a girlfriend, and she’s been identified. Apparently her name is Jessica Whelan, and she’s an older woman of 25 years. You can see a mini-picture of her here. She also has pages on a couple of social networking sites, but you can find those yourselves.
Jamie Foxx really does have a crush on Kute Kris. Told you so. See the video of Foxx’s interview on Ellen here. (Side note: One can swoon when he or she is in the presence of Kris, but Kris cannot actively swoon someone. Just a little verb usage fun.)
Is it just me, or are Twentlzight and Kute Kris like the most likable people ever? Twentzlight apparently helped almost everyone with their music choices throughout the show, and he’s just jolly in his interviews. And I feel like you could take little Kris and throw him in your Igloo cooler with your potato salad and ice cold beer, and he would keep everything chilled to the max. See? That was, like, metaphorical.
I’m trying to like D. Gokes. I really am. But then I read that he wants to be an eyeglasses designer–and model. Sigh. But still I persisted in my goal to not dislike him at least, and I watched Michael Slezak’s Idolatry interview (By the way, you should watch ALL of these. They are the best Idol interviews ever.) in hopes that I would like him more. At first I found him just intensely boring and didn’t want to even watch the rest of the 5-parter(as opposed to ANOOP whose hysterical wit made me totally ignore his sometimes bad attitude).But here’s the thing about D. Gokes: It’s not that he’s really that douchey. Or at least not on purpose. He’s just really, really, really earnest. No matter what Slezak does or says in the interview, everything he says just comes out with the same tone and moral certainty. He comes across as kind of meglomaniacal, but I don’t think it’s intentional. And I admire his goals and conviction, but, man, it just does not play well.
Twentzlight does Mad, Mad World as his song of choice. I was hoping for Tracks of My Tears. But I liked it. And he dressed like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. And I love Keanu. Sold. Randy totally compared Twentzlight to Twilight again. Yay! Everyone else calls him Glambert, by the by, but I’m sticking to the moniker of my own creation.
Kute Kris Allen. Ain’t No Sunshine. Ooh, Paula totally verbed his name. She said he “Allenizes” his songs. KK is dressed like Joey Lawrence circa Blossom, but without his sleeves ripped off. Also, did you read that Blossom is going to be the first person on this season’s What Not to Wear? Think they’ll make her toss her flower hats? Simon gives round 1 to Kris.
Folks, we are doing something absolutely, positively shocking here on FifG today.
Whereas the typical modus operandi is to provide compelling reasons for pop culture-loving non-football fans to watch a game every Sunday, this time we’re aiming to get you football fans to watch this week’s American Idol finale. And I know that there are football fans out there who read the blog but skip everything Idol related (Hi, Dad!), but here’s the truth: this year’s Idol season finale is just like the most kickass Super Bowl of all time. Here’s how… (The second ever jump, everybody!) (more…)
These were the worst, most boringest songs ever in the history of the whole wide movie world ever, ever, ever. They all need to watch more movies. Immediately. Guest judge Quentin Tarantino was totally like, the f@#* songs did these f@#$*& kids choose? I liked that about him. He was completely enthusiastic and completely over it at the same time.
Except we both appreciated Kute Kris. Kute Kris’s performance of “Falling Slowly” from Once was the only song that was acceptable at all. His performance would have been better if he played the guitar, but Once is a lovely movie, and the song is beautiful. So he wins the night, and he wins the show. There. Done. Let’s call it a show.
This is the better version. Everyone take notes.
Ok, so just in case you want to know exactly how lame the rest of the people are, here you go:
Iraheta. “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” from that asteroid movie. I still love Iraheta, and Simon gave her lots of praise, which was long overdue. But this song is so overplayed and dull. Iraheta! Your hair is bright red! You should watch better movies!
ANOOP and Douchey Scarf. Songs by Bryan Adams.
That’s right, folks. Two separate songs from Bryan Adams.
You know it’s true, every time I hear those songs. Ah-ah-ah. I fall asleeeeep.
Twentzlight. “Born to be Wild” from Easy Rider. I do like Twentzlight, but apparently it’s possible to be bored by something really hugely unboring if done enough times. Twentzlight, the sociology experiment.
D.Gokes. “Endless Love” from Endless Love. A song about his first love being endless. Hmm. Wonder… what… that’s… about.
This dude creeps me out. Also, the song was boring. And Simon was right (before alluding to the “meaning” behind the song): This guy does nothing with the music. Last year everyone was making things exciting. This year? No one.
Jason Castro was original! Remember? And he got a record deal!
Lil/Little. “The Rose” from The Rose. I feel kind of bad for her, so I’ll just say that it wasn’t so good.
Who should go? I don’t know. Just save Iraheta, Kute Kris, and Twentzlight, and I’m good to go.
Tonight’s theme: Songs from the year you were born.
I was born before every one of these folks. Sigh. Anyway, this week I’ll break it down by just how badly the judges messed up their critiques. Let’s give it a 1-5 rating, with a 1 being: Yes, Kelly Clarkson is the awesomest American Idol. (Because I agree.) Then a 5 would be: That Soul Patrol guy is gonna be huge! His gray hair makes the teen girls crazy! (Because I do not agree.)
Got it? Let’s begin.
D. Gokes, Stand By Me, Ben E. King (1961). Ok! This makes sense now! D. Gokes is 48 years old!
Um, wait, there was a 1980 version of the song? That sounded like this? And people listened to it?
1980 must have been the year of the hearing problems.
The judges? Oh, they loved it. Or they loved him. Or something. Any love at all was, to me, unwarranted.
Rating: 5
(Soul Patrol, Part Deux. You really going to buy his album, people?)
Kute Kris, All She Wants to Do is Dance, Don Henley (1985). I have to say, I thought this was an awesomely quirky song choice, and though it wasn’t super exciting, I liked the horns, and I thought he sufficiently Jason Mrazed it up to make it likable.
Simon called it indulgent (D. Gokes much?). Kara said it was too adult contemporary jazz. Paula or Randy or someone said that Don Henley’s arrangement was sacred (!), and he changed it up too much. You know, Michael Jackson’s Thriller, Don Henley’s All She Wants to Do Is Dance… Rating: 4
Lil/Little, What’s Love Got to Do With It , Tina Turner (1984). The judges gave her grief for not changing up the song, but, to be fair, if messing with Don Henley is an issue, I can’t imagine the flack they would have given her for changing Tina’s number. Anyway, she looked really awesome despite the fact that she doesn’t really sing as well as the judges have wanted us to believe all along. I think they’ve stopped believin’, too.
Rating: 2
ANOOP, True Colors, Cyndi Lauper (1986). I like ANOOP.
He apologized for being a bit of a douche last week, which was nice. He cheered for his UNC Tarheels after their NCAA championship win. Also likable. Simon even told him he didn’t need to apologize for douching out when he’s being douched upon by the judges. Why? Because Simon likes ANOOP, too.
Here’s the problem. As much as I like ANOOP, I also really like Cyndi Lauper. The best thing about True Colors is how stripped down it is, so even though he didn’t change it much, I didn’t really dig the changes he did make. That being said, I thought he was good. The judges? Thought he was good. Right on, judges. Rating: 1
I love ANOOP, but he is no Lauper.
The actual video is awesome but copyrighted I think. See it here.
Scott FM, The Search Is Over, Survivor (1985). Um.
Ummm.
You know what I like? I like songs.
Songs are nice.
Like, with tunes and stuff? Really neat.
Um… And Survivor rocks, right?
So… yeah.
(It was really bad.)
(But the judges wouldn’t really say so.)
(But neither will I, apparently.) Rating: 3
Iraheta, I Can’t Make You Love Me, Bonnie Raitt (1992). I love this song. It’s another one (like True Colors) that is good because it’s stripped down. But Iraheta sang it sorta quietly and sorta rock-y, and it was so great, and why aren’t people voting for her?
Maybe because the judges said it wasn’t original? And said it was good except that she’s not likable? I would scream conspiracy right this very moment except for the fact that Randy (!) said that she’s the next Kelly Clarkson. Oh, and Kara said she needs to get in the studio and make a record. Amen. I will preorder on iTunes now. Rating: 4 (Simon and Paula), 2 (Randy and Kara)
Douchey Scarf, Part-Time Lover, Stevie Wonder (1985). I guess every word is going to be sung with 50,000 syllables again? And Kute Kris’s take on the song was too adult contemporary jazz for them, but this wasn’t? I think I really just don’t like his genre of music. What do I like? The childhood video of D.S. acting in some school play (he had 72 lines!) with a strong Midwestern accent.
The judges liked his singing. I don’t know. But I’m forfeiting because that video was adorable. Hey, does he have a girlfriend? Rating: N/A
Twentzlight, Mad World, Gary Jules (1982). I do enjoy low-key Twentzlight. This was that. It was very Broadway, too. But as someone who listens to Pandora’s “Broadway All Stars” station all day long, it worked for me. Will people really buy a Twentzlight CD? I dunno. He should’ve been 26 in the 80s. People in the 80s would have LOVED Twentzlight. Sad.
Simon was the only one who commented, and he did so with a standing-o. I liked “Tracks of My Tears” better, but this one was good, too. Rating: 2
The theme for tonight’s Idol was something like Top iTunes Downloads. Deceptive that, because apparently all of the most downloaded songs of the moment are from 1973. Who. Knew.
Anyway, so I had this exceptionally brilliant idea for this evening’s Idol update. Or actually, Kara had the idea. See, she compared ANOOP‘s performance of an Usher song that is not “Yeah” to that of a frat boy who was dared by his buddies to perform. Which, though I don’t like Kara, wasn’t exactly far off.
Ok, and THEN The Joy of Corkrey got up and sang this Bob Marley/Lauryn Hill number, and she totally reminded me of this girl who was in my freshman dorm who was actually a literal princess of some small European country. She was part of the hippie crew on the end of our floor, which basically meant that she wore hemp shirts tied in the back with hemp rope, smoked lots of pot, and drove a Range Rover. It was the hippie way. At least in Boulder. Annnyway, my dorm room was directly across from the full length mirror in the hall, and the princess girl would just stand there and look at herself for ages. She was a pretty girl, but man, was she impressed with herself. Just like The Joy of Corkrey! A self-impressed pretty hippie. Who sings boring songs. She made me bored.
The rest of the Idolsters were harder to classify, but here’s what I came up with:
D. Gokes–Rascal Flatts song–That guy who is maybe in the religious studies department who knows everything about every religion. He really knows his stuff, very smart, makes a lot of good points, yada yada. The religion professors adore him, his religion classmates look up to him, the works. But then he takes one of his required math classes, and he’s just some guy who’s smart but not that impressive. I don’t know that my analogy means anything. All I’m saying is I think D. Gokes is a great singer, and yet I feel like someone who takes math class with him.
Twentzlight–Totally a member of the acapella group. Play that Funky Music, White Boy? Really? Don’t get me wrong, his is a good acapella group. Like, the premiere acapella group on campus. But still.
Kute Kris–He’s that guy who sits by a tree and plays guitar. Maybe he sings Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone, and maybe that girl he met at the coffee shop, that girl he met at the frat party, and that girl he met at the outdoor concert all sit Indian style by the same tree and listen to him play, and maybe they all close their eyes and smile knowingly, thinking that the song is about them. But maybe he’s really singing about the sun–like the glowing orb in the sky–because he’s happy it’s spring and cloudy days bum him out, like, seriously.
He does well for himself.
Even when he’s two weeks into growing a mustache, and it still looks like a dirty top lip.
Iraheta–Don’t Speak, No Doubt–She’s the prospective student visiting campus who tries blend in with the college kids by acting like she thinks they act and dressing like she thinks they dress. This means trying to rock out to No Doubt’s slowest, saddest song and dressing like a cross between Jane Child and Julie Brown. Which I don’t think was a popular look even in the 1980s. And of course the college kids can see that she’s trying too hard. Poor thing. Because if she just acted like herself, everyone would love her. And that’s one to grow on.
Lil/Little–I Surrender, Celine Dion–She’s the one with kids. And, uh… I think I had a class with her once? She was nice? Her hair was pretty.
Scott FM–Just the Way You Are, Billy Joel–He teaches piano classes to undergrads and like sets up the arrangements of Billy Joel songs for the marching band. And I think he takes some continuing ed classes at night. Last semester he took a class in playwriting, but he might try his hand at Spanish next semester. You know. Keep things fresh.
Douchey Scarf–You Found Me, The Fray–I don’t know who he is on this campus of mine, but can I say that I liked his performance better than usual this week? I know, I know. Everyone hated it. But he sounded like he could easily have a hit with one of those boring songs that they play on Grey’s Anatomy. And he didn’t run the heck out of the song. So there.
I think that means he’s going home.
If not Douchey Scarf, then The Joy of Corkrey for putting us to sleep or ANOOP for singing first and being forgettable. Or Iraheta, because the cool kids on campus can always spot the high schooler, and they’re always mean to her.
