Weekly Wrap-Up

Ok, this is way delayed. Please excuse the lateness, especially considering it’s almost next week, and really I can barely remember what happened this week. Here’s the latest-ish:

• FifG Game of the Week winner: The Minnesota Vikings. Sorry Detroit Lions fans, but that’s one more game to the losing streak. On a positive note, many experts (including FifG, because, yes, FifG is an expert) believe that the Lions just might beat the Redskins. As for the Vikings, seems like they played a miserable first half and turned it up in the second half. Congrats to Percy Harvin, aka FifG’s third fantasy wide receiver, on his first NFL touchdown.
• We have had a request here to talk about Mark Sanchez, so this week’s Game of the Week will be the Titans v. the Jets. Should be a great game. Not entirely sure how it’s related to pop culture, but I’ll think about it and get back to you.
• My Buccies suckie. Boo.
• Lots of upsets this week: Bengals over Packers. Texans over Titans. Jets over Patriots. Giants over brand-new-stadium Cowboys. It’s too early to tell if the losing teams are bad, the winning teams are good, or if there was just a lot of bad/good luck going around, but that’s why football is so awesome. You just never know from year to year what you’re going to get, so you can stay invested. Why else is football awesome? Lots of reasons! Here is one.
• Many of you have been asking (via search terms), and, yes, Jon Gruden is married. According to his memoir (which, yes, FifG read in full) Jon is married to his college sweetheart, Cindy.
  Sorry, ladies.  But please know that as adorable as he is, Jon seems like the type of husband who would require a good deal of patience.

 

Jon Gruden is married to football AND to his wife.

Non-football notes:

• Try Martha Stewart’s pumpkin cupcake recipe. It is seriously easy, and very delicious! (Though it’s totally ok to buy the cream cheese frosting pre-made, because really, who can tell?
• I’m currently on jury duty for the first time (the court has wireless), and it has been revelatory, to say the least. I would go into the frustrations further, but I don’t feel it would be polite to speak ill of one’s wireless provider whilst it’s being provided. Maybe later.
• Wireless is awesome.

 

Jon and Kate Plus 8. And Jon Gruden.

You know what’s worse than people who jump on the celebrity media bandwagon just to get some attention?

People who jump on the celebrity media bandwagon just to get some attention like a week after the fact.

Case in point: today’s blog. Huzzah!

Let’s take a minute to talk Jon and Kate Plus 8. Now I’m not going to talk about the kids, because I think it is universally agreed upon that the cute little guys are the innocent victims of this whole crappy situation, and the fact that they are going to have to publicly live through the divorce of their parents is beyond irresponsible.

However! The Jon and Kate situation is the perfect opportunity to discuss an interesting football phenomenon: Players/Nice Coaches vs. Strict/Mean Coaches. You may be thinking, well, of course Kate is the Mean Coach in question, but Jon isn’t that great either. Agreed! In this scenario, Jon is actually…

FifG Game of the Week

Ok, folks, I know that this is a huge football weekend in terms of who will and who will not be heading to the Super Bowl. However, my entire football being has been focused on the Bucs. And a large portion of my non-football being, too. That’s a good 3/4 to 7/8 of my being that is now consumed with thoughts of whether the Bucs should have fired Jon Gruden (yes, but maybe not so late in the game if he wants to coach somewhere else this year) and whether they should have hired 32-year-old Raheem Morris, who has precisely 0 head coaching experience on ANY level (why not? we’ll probably suck this year anyway, and I like the risky move–Bucs are never risky). I’ve watched hours of ESPN-N (because my “bargain”-priced cable package doesn’t include ESPN), and I’ve checked every football/Bucs websites like 20 zillion times a day (because you never know when they’re going to ask Clifton Smith what he thinks about the firing). Does this mean I have no life (yes)? No, I don’t think so (no, seriously, I do).

Anyhoo, there are two big games today. The first pits the Arizona Cardinals against the Philadelphia Eagles to determine the NFC representative to the Super Bowl. After that it’s the Baltimore Ravens vs. the Pittsburgh Steelers in the AFC.

Here’s the most exciting fact about this double-header: 3 out of 4 teams competing have bird mascots! Who would’ve thought? I think we as a society have come a long way in our acceptance of bird mascots. Can you imagine 50 years ago seeing this many bird mascots competing to participate in the biggest game of the year?

Conversation Starters:

-Can you think of bird names for each of the players in today’s games? I have one: Joe Flappo. As in bird wings. Flapping.

-Should there be a Game of the Week column at all when the blogger hasn’t been paying attention to anything but new coach press conferences all weekend?

Cute Football Player of the Week

Joe Flappo, Baltimore Raven

Quoth the raven: Hi, I'm Joe.

(Ok, so this was a goofy blog. Next time I’ll be more coherent. Enjoy the games today!)

Weekly Wrap-Up

Ok, not weekly really, but daily.

The Bucs just fired coach Jon Gruden. I, as a Bucs fan, am shocked.

I wanted them to fire Gruden, honestly, but I am shocked.

It’s like Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. They got married and everyone was like, WHA? He’s gay, right?! She’s not famous enough, right?! This is doomed, right?!

And then throughout their marriage everyone was like, This is a sham, right?! This is fake, right?! They’re totally going to break up, right?!

But then they got divorced, and everyone was shocked.

Same thing, sort of. Though I was never really down on Gruden, I do think it wouldn’t hurt right now for the team to get a fresh start. Hmm.

Ok, I would write more, but I have to watch the Bucs news conference on ESPN-News in like 2 minutes.

From "The Onion" circa 2001. Stuff about Nicole aging is kind of ironic, huh?

You’re welcome, Bucs

As a non-impartial blogger, I will say that I’m very pleased about the Bucs’ win.

Expect a bunch of articles to be written in Tampa and Chicago tomorrow explaining the outcome of the game. They’ll probably talk about Chicago’s defense wearing out and maybe about how the Tampa receivers decided to start catching a couple of balls at the end of the game. Stuff like that.

Here’s the real reason they won: Beginning around the end of the fourth quarter, when the Bucs were fighting their way back from a 24-14 deficit, I got the truly brilliantly inspired idea to sit with my hands folded, almost like in prayer but not in an obvious way because people at the sports bar around me would think I was weird. I folded my hands thusly for each of the Bucs’ offensive plays in the rest of the fourth quarter. And what happened? Field goal, defensive stop, and last minute touchdown, sending the game into overtime. Then in overtime the praying hands lost their touch, so I shifted to a relaxed, “it doesn’t really matter what my hands are doing right now” approach. I was fooling the football gods into believing that I really had no impact on the final outcome of the game. Success! The football gods totally bought the casual hands act, and we won.

I hope that Jon Gruden will play Jeff Garcia at quarterback next week. It was Griese’s three interceptions, after all, that forced me to take the game into my own hands, and it was way stressful.

FifG Game of the Week: Tampa Bay Bucs vs. Chicago Bears

Tampa Bay Buccaneers [1-1] vs. Chicago Bears [1-1] (Sunday 1:00 p.m., local Fox affiliates)

Why it’s good football: Eh, who am I kidding. It’s not really good football except for the fact that I’m a huge Bucs fan, and I have a feeling they are going to be really bad this year, so why not feature them when they’ve won 50% of their games?

Why you might care:

Maybe you live in Tampa or Chicago? Or um…

Ok, how about this: Bucs’ coach Jon Gruden was once one of People’s Most Beautiful People! And he’s captured by camera crews on the sideline all the time. Granted, he’s gotten older and gained some weight, but his beauty shines through.

Also, people say he looks like Chuckie from the horror movies. And he cusses and everything. So you can make it a game. Like, how many curse words can you see Chuckie mouthing? Considering how bad this team might be, your score could be through the roof!

Football is just like Pop Culture!

Ok, so let’s call the Bucs The Hills, and let’s call Jon Gruden Lauren.

So Lauren has this great house that she shares with Lo. They get along so well, because they are best friends forever and have this mutual admiration society going, and Lauren’s designing more expensive drapey jersey dresses than ever, and they are so happy, happy, happy. Well then Audrina decides she needs somewhere to live, and Lauren decides, oh, this would be even better. (I know, I know, this isn’t how it happened, but bear with me.) Because Lauren knows that Audrina will get her even more press, because the paparazzi love Audrina and her new fake boobs and her non-threatening glassy smile, and this will score major attention for Lauren’s clothing line and possibly up her asking price for episodes of The Hills and everything. So Lauren works to convince Audrina that she should take Lo’s room and that she would be so happy living in her house and that they could have tons of pool parties and get ready for trips to Les Deux together every night. And Audrina is like, yeah! That’d be cool! But then Justin Bobby tells her that he won’t let her live with Lauren, so she goes to live with Stephanie Pratt instead.

Well, now how do you think Lo feels? She knows Lauren wanted Audrina more, and darn it if Lo isn’t one of the pissiest gals on TV. But she’s also savvy. So, yes, she’s going to keep living with Lauren and pretend to be happy about it, but she’s going to roll her eyes all the heck over that house for the next year.

So here’s where Gruden’s at. He’s got Jeff Garcia (Lo) as his QB when he spent the offseason trying to get Brett Favre. (I’d used Audrina as his stand-in, but really there is no character in The Hills that would equal a Favre. Maybe Audrina times a zillion?) Anyway, Garcia is all angry about the offseason, and Gruden is all angry about Garcia being angry, so now a guy named Brian Griese is playing. There are rumors that he’s battled alcoholism, too, so I wonder who he would be. Lauren’s old boyfriend Jason? Is that libelous? Who is a self-professed alcoholic?

Anyway, lots of drama! Good stuff.

Cute football player(s) of the week:

Sabby Piscatelli. He’s a Buc.

And Brian Urlacher, a Bear.

Boyfriend/Husband/Dad/Other will be so impressed!

Conversation Starters:

-Matt Forté looks like he’s going to have a breakthrough season as a rookie. It will be interesting to see if his legs outlast Adrian Peterson’s in the division, no? Peterson seems to be banged up pretty easily.

-How do you feel about the end of the Rex Grossman era in Chicago?

-Joey Galloway is a great player, but the dude’s old. If he doesn’t last the season, who will be Bucs have at receiver?

Fun Fact:

-Between the 2006 and 2007 seasons, Devin Hester has returned a total of 4 kickoffs and 7 punts for touchdowns. (Though he likely won’t play in this game due to injury.)

Player Pronunciation:

Matt Forté (CHI): mat fawr-tey

Brian Griese (TB): brahy-uhn gree-see