Days of Our NFL’ers

Hello football ladies!

It’s been a little slow here on FifG lately– a fact which I’d love to attribute to a boring offseason, but of course there are cute football players running around all year long. Honestly, things have been slightly craptastic in FifG-land lately, and I decided to go ahead and skip OTAs and just chill until the beginning of training camp. (That was a football metaphor. Word.)

However, the football gossip world just kept on spinning without any FifG input, and I started to feel left out. So let’s catch up:

1) Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson: Tony Romo’s ex celebrated her 30th birthday on a yacht with her new boyfriend, and ex-Arizona Cardinal. This is a significant upgrade from last year’s celebration, when the FifG-favorite was dumped the night before her big Barbie and Ken party. Hopefully she has learned a lesson about planning theme parties that involve dressing your boyfriend like a doll. (Note: The lesson is do not plan them.) Only issue here is that Eric is mid-divorce. But let’s let Jessica have her moment.

Cargo-Short Ken and Mumu Barbie

2) Kim Kardashian and Miles Austin: Kim dumped Reggie Bush 4eva, probably. According to a gossip magazine I read on a plane this weekend, he’s now dating some singer who looks just like Kim–but trashier! Though, I’ll be honest, I didn’t see much difference. Anyway, Kim is dating Miles now, and he’s super cute, and he probably wants to be on TV so he can get a modeling contract or something, so it should work out.

Also, has anyone noticed that Kim’s face is, like, unrecognizable now? Isn’t she like 28? Why is she getting so much work done?

Miles Austin, new man of Kim

3) Kendra and Hank: Kendra wrote this book or something, and I guess it made Hank mad because it talks about her past drug use and that whole thing where she slept with an 85-year-old man when she was 21. And he was jealous? Of Hef? I dunno.

The most icky love quadrangle.

FifG Weekly Wrap-Up. At Week’s End.

You know what I’ve learned this football season? It’s hard to write for two blogs!
I mean, I love FifG, and I love Chicks in the Huddle, but I also love sitting around and watching television, and darned if the new TV season hasn’t put a crimp in the whole “writing regularly” thing.

So I’m going to really try to keep up with at least 2 posts a week here. But don’t quote me on that.

Anyhoo, in football updates:

• The 49ers are apparently not like the new 90210 at all, because the Falcons blew them out of the water last week. Clearly they are more new-Melrose. I have to say,  Melrose is another one I never watched the first time around, but in the case of that show, I have absolutely no desire to watch it on SOAPnet, and I cannot stand the new version. Like, it’s not only trashy, but it’s incredibly boring, too. If I remember correctly, the original series bore the same criticism and Heather Locklear turned it around, so maybe that will happen for the new show, too. But I’m already over it, so it doesn’t matter to me either way.
• Did you guys see the FOX cartoon where the big joke is that Jessica Simpson is fat? I watched it live last Sunday, and I was honestly completely shocked and offended by it. And I’m pretty jaded to gossip stuff. But I was like, whoa, that’s totally out of line! Make fun of the sucky Cowboys! What does Jess have to do with it? Anyway, she got an apology, but something tells me there is some serious binging/over-exercising going on in that girl’s household. She makes me feel sad.
• The Denver Broncos were supposed to be terrible this year, after giving away Cutler and all sorts of passive aggressive b.s. with wide receiver Brandon Marshall, but they are good! What the heck?! I went to school in Colorado and generally support the Broncos, but I have to say that my inner Buccaneer is angry that they rose above the mess that they were supposed to share with us. I have no kids yet, but I think this means I’m going to be one of those moms who loves her kids’ friends, but will totally turn on them if anything bad happens to her own kid. Those moms freak me out. I should probably get a handle on this now. Go Broncos!

Ok, I'll be happy for the Broncos. But their throwback uniforms are still ugly.

• Ochocinco. I like to say that. Or type it, I guess.

Non-football update:

• I was going to mention this a couple of weeks ago, but then I never actually wrote an update. So, I have a long list of reasons that I hate living in NY, but I have a longer list of reasons that I love it. Here’s one of the latter: Friend Kevin and I went to see stand-up a couple of weeks ago at the place where he takes improv comedy classes, and the comedians were all naked. I insisted we sit in the very, very back row. It was uncomfortable. But a good story, right? Naked comedy! All of the participants (like 6 guys and 2 girls) were in really good shape, which I assume is why they decided to do it in the first place, and everyone was really funny–which I think is rare. So anyway, if you’re visiting the city and want a place to take your folks here‘s some info.

• I’m going to be in Paris a week from today. Tra la! Technically, I will be one country away from the Bucs vs. Pats game in London, but I’ll still probably miss it. Anyone want a souvenir?
  
• When you go abroad, do you need to buy a converter or just an adapter? I don’t travel abroad much. Clearly.

Poor Jessica

FifG feels sad for Jessica Simpson.

Yes, it seemed like a bad idea for Tony Romo to date her in the first place. (Sorry, Dad.) And no, we haven’t been entirely kind to her hear on this blog. But, man oh man, life has not been treating the girl so well.

1. She was publicly dumped the evening before her 29th birthday. FifG has a birthday coming up, so we get that pre-birthday is totally the time of year that you dwell on how ridiculously old you are and how very little you’ve accomplished in life. (Um, unless you’re one of those positive people?) So having your hot, popular QB boyfriend dump you the day before the year before you enter your 30s can’t feel good.

2. She had to cancel her Barbie and Ken birthday party. Ok, yes, this gives us a window into the ever so slightly high maintenance-ness that Tony was dealing with on a daily basis. But clearly this is a woman desperate to have the picture perfect life. Which, um, isn’t really what she has.

And speaking of picture perfect…

3. She’s been publicly ridiculed for recent weight gain. Girl shouldn’t wear horizontal stripes, but come on, she looks lovely otherwise.

Sorry, Jessica. Hope 29 is your year!

Oh, and congrats, Cowboys fans.

Cowboys fans called her Yoko Romo? Funny, y'all. I hadn't heard that.

Weekly Wrap-Up

I am calling this the weekly wrap-up, even though I’ve never done a wrap-up before and don’t know if I will do one again. Oh the power that one has when blogging. It’s totally going to my head. So much so that I’m going to use bullet points. Ha!

• The San Diego Chargers wore their powder blue uniforms! I totally called it! When I saw the players walk onto to the field (on my jetBlue flight home to New York, by the way), I was so very excited! Maybe that was what my horoscope meant by “magnetic love powers.” No, I know that makes no sense, but neither does the fact that 0 people fell in love with me this weekend.
• The Bucs game was so much fun. They beat the Panthers 27-3–mostly because I wore my lucky shirt. I had taken pictures of the stadium with the camera on my phone, but this morning I dropped said phone and broke it (for the second time in 2 months), so the pictures are gone. Luckily, I got a free replacement because the company has admitted that this particular model of phone breaks easily. Unfortunately, the free replacement is the same phone. I guess I’ll get another new one for free when this one breaks.
• Speaking of the Bucs game, after one of our three interceptions (yay!), one of the super huge defensive players got a flag (meaning he was penalized 15 yards, meaning instead of having to get 10 yards to keep the ball on offense, they had to get 25 yards) for doing a cartwheel. I saw it with mine own eyes., and I have to say that though I completely hate when players show off and act stupid, I really enjoyed the cartwheel. Well worth the extra 15.
• Dallas QB and cute football player Tony Romo broke his finger and is out for a month. Dallas was a front runner to win the Super Bowl this year, or at least to play in it. But now? Not so much, it seems. Oh, and remember the parallels I drew between Terrell Owens and Shannen Doherty? Looks like we’ve reached season two of Charmed territory. Everything was going so well, but now the cracks are showing. Terrell is demanding he get the ball more, whether or not that helps the team. Team owner Aaron Spelling… er, Jerry Jones is siding with Terrell. But how long until Rose McGowan swoops in and gets the job? We shall see. (Not into 90210 references? Read Peter King.)

Do you think the Jessica Simpson curse is behind Tony Romo’s broken finger? Do you think anyone over, say, 250 pounds should really be penalized for doing a cartwheel?

The Aaron Spelling of football.

The Jerry Jones of TV.

FifG Game of the Week: Dallas vs. Philadelphia

Ok, first, I would like to say that I am very excited to have abbreviated the name of the blog for this post. I feel very official now. Welcome to FifG!

Second, as a blog with an abbreviatable title, I think it is time to have some sort of weekly thing that I do that makes this more of the kind of thing that a person might have an interest in reading. (Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!)

With that in mind, welcome to the first weekly Game of the Week! My thought is that I will present a game that many will be able to watch, and I’ll give you some things to watch for and some reasons that the game might potentially hold your interest. Let’s see how it goes.

Dallas Cowboys vs. Philadelphia Eagles (Monday night, ESPN, 8:30 p.m.)

Why it’s good football: These are two of the top teams in the NFC, two solid quarterbacks in Tony Romo and Donovan McNabb

Why you might care:

Jessica Simpson will be there. She’s dating Dallas QB Tony Romo (duh), and she made some statements during her performance on Good Morning America that were all, “In your face, Teams Who Play My Man!” As we the gossip-savvy public know, Jessica Simpson was present for Tony Romo’s worst. game. ever., and everyone says she’s a curse. So if you happen to hate Jessica Simpson (Ugh, she’s so stupid!), then watch to see how dejected she will look if Tony plays horribly. OR, if you love Jessica (Her hair is so shiny! Her sister is so pregnant!), you can bet that the camera will be on her at least 1,000 times, which will give you the perfect opportunity to watch her cheer and wave and hug her daddy.

Football is just like Pop Culture! Dallas wide receiver Terrell Owens is to Football as Shannen Doherty is to TV

Terrell Owens is an extremely talented wide receiver, but also narcissistic, cranky, and super duper crazy. (In general, the most obnoxious football players are wide receivers.) Shannen Doherty is a moderately talented actress, but also narcissistic, bitchy, and super duper crazy. Remember in the younger Shannen days when she was always in the tabloids because of her obnoxious behavior? She was on 90210 and then kicked off. She was on Charmed and then kicked off. You kept pulling for her because her bitchitude was so compelling that it made the shows she was on more fun. Then she decides to come back for the new 90210, and it was like, oh! I hope she’s all better now and mature! But really you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and secretly kind of hoping it will, because you loves the crazy.

Same deal. Terrell is crazy. He played for the Eagles and was incredibly talented but a loose cannon in terms of mood and sanity. And it was kind of fun to watch from the outside because insane people make us laugh. However, just like Aaron Spelling and Shannen’s costars, the Eagles weren’t so much entertained by Owens and his shenanigans, and when he left for the division rival Cowboys (where he now plays), he left on a sour note. So this week he’s playing the people who hated him enough to get him off the team (just like Shannen and her new/old costar Jennie Garth!). Granted, it’s been a few years since he played for the Cowboys, but, like Shannen, we can hold out a little hope that the crazy will come out… at least a little.

Cute football player of the week: Because all the guy football columns have cheerleader pictures.

Ok, I can’t figure out how to upload pictures here yet, so go to this link.

http://cm1.dotspotter.com/media/0/53/41/tony_romo.0.0.0×0.432×595.jpeg

I’ll give you a hint. It’s Tony Romo. He has dimples. And he dated Carrie Underwood for a while, and she seems smarter than Jessica Simpson, so maybe the dating airheads thing is just a phase and not proof that he is also an airhead. Sorry, Jessica. I mean, maybe dating girls with shiny hair is just a phase and not proof that he has, um, shiny hair?

Boyfriend/Husband/Dad/Other will be so impressed!

Conversation Starters:

-I think Donovan is going to have a much better year in 2008. In fact, I think the Eagles might take the NFC East. What do you think?

-I can’t believe Pacman is going by Adam Jones now. So boring, right?

Fun Fact:

-In the 2004-05 seasons, McNabb and TO (Owens) had 20 touchdowns. That was the 3rd most in the league for those two seasons, and they only played together in 21 out of 36 games! (Thanks to ESPN’s Matt Mosley for that.)

Player Pronunciation:

Terrell Owens (DAL): tair-uhl ō-wens

Correll Buckhalter (PHI): cohr-rel buhk-hawl-ter

Note that the first names are similar, but the stress is on different syllables.