Not to be too tangential here (and we are going somewhere with this), but you know how in Lost Hurley was in that mental hospital for while, and his girlfriend Libby was there, too, and everyone was like, Oh no! This entire show is just like a dream that’s happening in Crazy Hurley’s mind! And everyone was mad about that, because it seemed like such a cop out.
Well, turns out that wasn’t the story behind Lost, but I think tonight’s American Idol was a dream that happened in my mind. No, but for real. Friend Cupcake watched with me, and she can totally attest to it. But since you can’t ask her yourself, perhaps you need more proof. Fine. Let’s look at the evidence: (more…)
I have absolutely nothing to say to you tonight. Nothing. Least of all Simon, for telling the audience that she was in trouble. America, you should be ashamed. I will now pretend that D. Gokes doesn’t exist.
Tonight was ROCK night. I just watched on DVR after spending the evening at an Adele concert. It was awesome.
Rock night on American Idol? Pretty awesome, too!
Because I need to go to bed, here are my thoughts, Adele-style. (And, no, Adele sings nothing close to rock. Let’s all just deal.)
Kute Kris: Oh Kute Kris, as Adele would say, “Who wants to be right as rain
It’s better when something is wrong. You get excitement in your bones, and everything you do’s a game.” Meaning, yeah, you weren’t so great at rock (though I honestly didn’t think his “Come Together” was that bad), but if you stay around then the rest of the season is cake! Or, that’s what I’m taking Adele’s words to mean. Come on girls. Keep Kute Kris! Do you really want to be responsible for getting rid of this face?
Maybe he should've sung in this ensemble?
D. Gokes: Some more words of clarity from Adele:
“I’m tired of trying
Your [singing] ain’t enough
Fed up of biding your time
When i don’t get nothing back.”
He sang Dream On by Aerosmith pretty ok-ly until the last note, which was all kinds of painful. For some reason Simon thinks it was enough for him to stick around. And yet he picked on Iraheta! For being awesome! Since when do I hate Simon so much?!
Iraheta and Twentzlight: These cats were born to rock, like, for reals. And their duet of Slow Ride (aka: the one song I can totally master in Guitar Hero, beginner level) was super crazy awesome. Iraheta even looked cute in her rock-appropriate clothes. I won’t comment on their solo songs, both of which were rockin’ (um… it’s late and I have no thesaurus), but suffice it to say Twentzlight’s reviews were way better. Anyhoo, if I know Adele, and I do not, I think she would agree that the Twentzheta duo saved the best for last.
And since Best for Last is my favorite Adele song, let’s just pop it up right here. No linking necessary. You’re welcome, and good night.
1. My letter worked! Iraheta was in the top 2! (With D. Gokes, sure, but this post is all about the love.) Yippee!
2. Douchey Scarfgot kicked off. Not that I dislike him and his Timberlaccent that much anymore, but it was time. He was gracious, and the audience loved him–which makes me think he maybe sounds better in person than on film? (Also, my guess is that his girlfriend is the one who cried tonight.)
3. When everyone was all shocked about Kute Kris and Twentzlight in the bottom 3 (they couldn’t have been shocked about Douchey Scarf, right?), and Simon was like, hey, you should be giving the top 2 credit for being great. Right on, Simon!
4. All the cut-aways to the “tense” bottom 3 of Douchey Scarf, Kute Kris, and Twentzlight–who were basically just chillin’ backstage. (Side note: They never said Twentzlight was actually in the bottom two. I bet it was really D.S. and Kute Kris.)
5. Jamie Foxx. Give that man an Oscar!
6. Simon admitting he got all of his comments this week bass ackward.
7. I watch Lost and Idol at the same time (fancy DVR maneuvering), and Lost wasstill too confusing but kind of engaging again this week. I really hope this show is going somewhere, though. Hours of my life, people. Like hundreds of them. Who’s with me?
8. The cupcakes that Friend Cupcake and I decorated last night. It counts as something I like tonight, because tonight I have a picture.
I was so very excited for Big Band Night. You have to understand. Kelly Clarkson’s performance on the first season’s Big Band Night is my favorite American Idol performance of all time. Anyway, I guess my expectations were too high.
The good news of the night, though, is that I decorated cupcakes while I watched with my trusty cupcake decorating friend, and she had totally good insights. I’ve decided to steal them for my blog.
First, the guest mentor was Jamie Foxx. Was he in the Rat Pack? He was, right?
Kute Kris, The Way You Look Tonight: I really like this song, and I love Kris (creepy-but-not-fully-grown mustache non-withstanding). I pretended he was singing about the way I looked tonight (aka covered in orange frosting). I think Jamie Foxx wanted to make out with him. Get in line, Jamie. Friend Cupcake noted that it was weird that Kute Kris’s song was slow until the last 30 seconds and then was uptempo and then, like every song, ended in falsetto. Neither of us like the falsetto.
Simon thought the song was “wet.” I’m not kidding. Is that a British thing? Did the song make him want to take out his bumbershoot?
Iraheta, Someone to Watch Over Me: Iraheta turned 17 this week, though she is still unable to muster a coherent sentence. Which I find very charming. Also, she sings like someone who can sing super well. I want her to sing more songs on Idol, on account of her awesomeness. Friend Cupcake also liked it. So did Jamie Foxx. Simon thinks she’s going home. CONSPIRACY!
Randy said she looked like Brittany Murphy but dope. Should Iraheta be upset about that? Should Brittany?
Douchey Scarf, My Funny Valentine: Totally just remembered that Melinda Doolittle sang the pants off this song. Know who didn’t? Justin Timberlake. Know who else didn’t? Douchey. I know it’s a hard song to sing, but the whole thing was weird and off-key and ick. Friend Cupcake thought it was way dull. But Simon? He thought it was wonderful. Even after hearing Iraheta. CON-SPIR-A-CY!
D. Gokes, Come Rain or Come Shine: I like that Jamie Foxx got right in D. Gokes’ face. I like that Jamie did it to be more like Michael Mann. I didn’t like how D. Gokes was all, I’m smarter than you and Michael Mann put together. And Jamie was like, I’m gonna stay in your face until you cry, like a Miami Vice cop. And D. Gokes was like, eep. And I was like, Yay!
Friend Cupcake wisely noted that D. Gokes’ song, like Kute Kris’s, was slow and then fast at the end, and she pointed out that every song this season seems to start slow and end fast because apparently that’s what this “artistry” thing is that Kara keeps talking about. I thought that was a great point.
Oh, and to prove that I’m not a negative person, I will say that I liked the trombones.
Twentzlight, Feeling Good: Remember how a couple of years ago in the semifinal round one guy and one girl both sang this song, and they were both eliminated? Yeah, I don’t think that’s a real concern for Twentzlight.
Scary moment of the night: I told Friend Cupcake that I felt like watching Twentzlight was akin to watching an Olympian. Like, I can appreciate the skill and the amazing talent and the professionalism of his songs. But I just don’t actually enjoy listening to him 9 times out of 10. THEN, Paula compared watching him to watching the Olympics. I was like, yay! I said that! And Friend Cupcake said, you’re like the next Paula. Eep.
Anyway, I know Twentzlight will win. I guess I’m ok with it, though, because he seems super nice.
One more fantastic point by Friend Cupcake this evening. I made her watch both the Kelly Clarkson number (see above) and the Tamyra Gray song from the same episode (see below), and she noted that no one could possibly sing such awesomely straightforward version of either song in today’s Idol world, because now they all need to follow the slow-then-fast “artistry” model. So true! Thanks, Friend Cupcake.
Who will go home? I pray it is D. Gokes or Douchey Scarf, but I fear for Iraheta and even Kute Kris who had the awful first performance slot.
That’s right, folks, ANOOP is gone. Again. And Lil/Little, too. Which is sad, but not nearly as sad as the fact that Iraheta was in the bottom 3 again! What?! This is a disgrace and has necessitated that I write a letter to the 13-year-old girls who are voting.
Dear 13-year-old girl,
Hi! I like your shirt! It’s totally pretty.
Aren’t the Jonas Brothers awesome? Who do you like best? I like Nick.
Hey! I hear you like American Idol! Can I tell you something?
The thing is, all of the super cute boys on the show aren’t going to marry you. Which is not to say that they shouldn’t marry you. They really should, because you are so pretty and nice and completely fun to be around. But they won’t (especially Twentzlight–sorry!!!!), and so it’s ok to vote for Iraheta.
I know what you’re thinking–What if Kute Kris is at a party, and you’re at a party. And he’s wearing a plaid shirt, and you’re wearing your new dress from Delia’s with the ruffles. And he’s all, Hi! You’re cute! Want to go on a date? And you’re like, Yeah, and I voted for you! And he’s like, You did?!?! Let’s get married!
Now, even though there’s for sure no denying that could happen, it probably won’t, so you might as well vote for Iraheta. She’s only 16, so she totally understands about being 13. And if you vote for her, she can introduce you to Twentzlight!
Also, and I know you can’t see this now but trust me, D. Gokes is not cool in any way. Even if Simon says so. In fact, he’s what we old people call smug. One day when you’re old, you’ll realize smug people are seriously yucky. Like Vanessa Hudgens for stealing Zac Efron.
Thanks!!!!!
Sincerely,
FifG
Warning, Idol fans, this has been a long day in the life of FifG.
For that reason, the wrap-up may be lacking in length, wit, and creativity.
Lil/Little–I’m Every Woman by Chaka Khan–It sounded like I’m Every Woman by Chaka Khan. I thought it was ok. I don’t know what the judges said. It looked like it was going to be bad, so I fast-forwarded.
Kute Kris–She Works Hard for the Money by Donna Summer–Totally Mrazed-out disco, and it totally worked. For the record, I didn’t think this song counted as disco, but my friend Kevin insisted that it was released when disco was on its last legs. Trust Kevin, everyone. He knows these things. Also, though I’ve threatened it before, Kute Kris’s Falling Slowly was my first Idol iTunes purchase of the year. Am I the only one who thinks Kute Kris would be a perfect pocket-sized angel that sits on your shoulder telling you what you should do to be a better person? Only he would sing his advice? And also be in love with you?
Just me then?
Okey dokey. Moving on.
The Kids Inc. version of Donna Summer. Note the young Fergie.
D. Gokes–Dancing in September by Earth, Wind, and Fire–I love this song. D. Gokes sang it well, but according to Randy he changed it up? Like, how again? And also, people, you’re going to buy his album? Really? I bet you $10 you won’t.
Iraheta–Hot Stuff by Donna Summer–According to the judges it was indulgent, but I found it to be kickass and rockery. And, ok, but whenever they change the song up the judges call it indulgent (unless it’s D. Gokes, of course), but when they don’t change the song they are called boring (even D. Gokes!). No winning with these people.
Twentzlight–something from Saturday Night Fever–I dunno. He sings well, but I found it boring. And also, if I bet you $10 you won’t buy D. Gokes’s album, let’s make this one a $20 bet. However, I’ve no doubt that girls will spend $85 of their parents’ money to watch him in Shrek the Musical. Also, I’ve decided I like him as a person.
Douchey Scarf–Staying Alive by The Bee Gees–I don’t really like Douchey Scarf, but I liked this. Maybe because there were no runs. And maybe that’s why Kara didn’t like it.
ANOOP–Dim All the Lights by Donna Summer (pattern?)–The original song is slow and then, woo! It’s up-tempo! ANOOP’s version was slow, and then, woo. Sorta faster. Like remember the Freaks and Geeks where the cute little geek one who’s on Bones now asks the pretty cheerleader to dance to “Come Sail Away,” and they are slow dancing to the first part, and then it gets to the chorus and she’s like, now we’re fast dancing! And he’s sad. But like half of the kids at the dance are still slow dancing because the song isn’t really that fast? ANOOP was like that.
Maybe Kids Inc. did this one better than ANOOP?
Who’s going home? My guess is Lil/Little and ANOOP.
Huh. This wasn’t lacking in length after all. 1 out of 3, folks.
Tonight’s theme: Songs from the year you were born.
I was born before every one of these folks. Sigh. Anyway, this week I’ll break it down by just how badly the judges messed up their critiques. Let’s give it a 1-5 rating, with a 1 being: Yes, Kelly Clarkson is the awesomest American Idol. (Because I agree.) Then a 5 would be: That Soul Patrol guy is gonna be huge! His gray hair makes the teen girls crazy! (Because I do not agree.)
Got it? Let’s begin.
D. Gokes, Stand By Me, Ben E. King (1961). Ok! This makes sense now! D. Gokes is 48 years old!
Um, wait, there was a 1980 version of the song? That sounded like this? And people listened to it?
1980 must have been the year of the hearing problems.
The judges? Oh, they loved it. Or they loved him. Or something. Any love at all was, to me, unwarranted.
Rating: 5
(Soul Patrol, Part Deux. You really going to buy his album, people?)
Kute Kris, All She Wants to Do is Dance, Don Henley (1985). I have to say, I thought this was an awesomely quirky song choice, and though it wasn’t super exciting, I liked the horns, and I thought he sufficiently Jason Mrazed it up to make it likable.
Simon called it indulgent (D. Gokes much?). Kara said it was too adult contemporary jazz. Paula or Randy or someone said that Don Henley’s arrangement was sacred (!), and he changed it up too much. You know, Michael Jackson’s Thriller, Don Henley’s All She Wants to Do Is Dance… Rating: 4
Lil/Little, What’s Love Got to Do With It , Tina Turner (1984). The judges gave her grief for not changing up the song, but, to be fair, if messing with Don Henley is an issue, I can’t imagine the flack they would have given her for changing Tina’s number. Anyway, she looked really awesome despite the fact that she doesn’t really sing as well as the judges have wanted us to believe all along. I think they’ve stopped believin’, too.
Rating: 2
ANOOP, True Colors, Cyndi Lauper (1986). I like ANOOP.
He apologized for being a bit of a douche last week, which was nice. He cheered for his UNC Tarheels after their NCAA championship win. Also likable. Simon even told him he didn’t need to apologize for douching out when he’s being douched upon by the judges. Why? Because Simon likes ANOOP, too.
Here’s the problem. As much as I like ANOOP, I also really like Cyndi Lauper. The best thing about True Colors is how stripped down it is, so even though he didn’t change it much, I didn’t really dig the changes he did make. That being said, I thought he was good. The judges? Thought he was good. Right on, judges. Rating: 1
I love ANOOP, but he is no Lauper.
The actual video is awesome but copyrighted I think. See it here.
Scott FM, The Search Is Over, Survivor (1985). Um.
Ummm.
You know what I like? I like songs.
Songs are nice.
Like, with tunes and stuff? Really neat.
Um… And Survivor rocks, right?
So… yeah.
(It was really bad.)
(But the judges wouldn’t really say so.)
(But neither will I, apparently.) Rating: 3
Iraheta, I Can’t Make You Love Me, Bonnie Raitt (1992). I love this song. It’s another one (like True Colors) that is good because it’s stripped down. But Iraheta sang it sorta quietly and sorta rock-y, and it was so great, and why aren’t people voting for her?
Maybe because the judges said it wasn’t original? And said it was good except that she’s not likable? I would scream conspiracy right this very moment except for the fact that Randy (!) said that she’s the next Kelly Clarkson. Oh, and Kara said she needs to get in the studio and make a record. Amen. I will preorder on iTunes now. Rating: 4 (Simon and Paula), 2 (Randy and Kara)
Douchey Scarf, Part-Time Lover, Stevie Wonder (1985). I guess every word is going to be sung with 50,000 syllables again? And Kute Kris’s take on the song was too adult contemporary jazz for them, but this wasn’t? I think I really just don’t like his genre of music. What do I like? The childhood video of D.S. acting in some school play (he had 72 lines!) with a strong Midwestern accent.
The judges liked his singing. I don’t know. But I’m forfeiting because that video was adorable. Hey, does he have a girlfriend? Rating: N/A
Twentzlight, Mad World, Gary Jules (1982). I do enjoy low-key Twentzlight. This was that. It was very Broadway, too. But as someone who listens to Pandora’s “Broadway All Stars” station all day long, it worked for me. Will people really buy a Twentzlight CD? I dunno. He should’ve been 26 in the 80s. People in the 80s would have LOVED Twentzlight. Sad.
Simon was the only one who commented, and he did so with a standing-o. I liked “Tracks of My Tears” better, but this one was good, too. Rating: 2
That’s right, Ms. Caw Caw herself got the boot tonight. The Joy of Corkrey clearly knew it was coming. She was talking back to the judges, cawing her little heart out, and generally giving everyone in the studio and at home the bird. Haha. THE BIRD. Get it? That was a funny.
In fact, when her bottom 3 brethren, ANOOP and (CONSPIRACY!) Iraheta, were sent back to the couch of safety, she told them, “Remember to caw.” So, yeah, she knew it was coming and she just Corkreyed it up.
Half of me respects the fact that she left on her own, annoying terms. The other half of me finds her petulant and narcissistic. The third half of me doesn’t really care. Short attention span, that third half.
The theme for tonight’s Idol was something like Top iTunes Downloads. Deceptive that, because apparently all of the most downloaded songs of the moment are from 1973. Who. Knew.
Anyway, so I had this exceptionally brilliant idea for this evening’s Idol update. Or actually, Kara had the idea. See, she compared ANOOP‘s performance of an Usher song that is not “Yeah” to that of a frat boy who was dared by his buddies to perform. Which, though I don’t like Kara, wasn’t exactly far off.
Ok, and THEN The Joy of Corkrey got up and sang this Bob Marley/Lauryn Hill number, and she totally reminded me of this girl who was in my freshman dorm who was actually a literal princess of some small European country. She was part of the hippie crew on the end of our floor, which basically meant that she wore hemp shirts tied in the back with hemp rope, smoked lots of pot, and drove a Range Rover. It was the hippie way. At least in Boulder. Annnyway, my dorm room was directly across from the full length mirror in the hall, and the princess girl would just stand there and look at herself for ages. She was a pretty girl, but man, was she impressed with herself. Just like The Joy of Corkrey! A self-impressed pretty hippie. Who sings boring songs. She made me bored.
The rest of the Idolsters were harder to classify, but here’s what I came up with:
D. Gokes–Rascal Flatts song–That guy who is maybe in the religious studies department who knows everything about every religion. He really knows his stuff, very smart, makes a lot of good points, yada yada. The religion professors adore him, his religion classmates look up to him, the works. But then he takes one of his required math classes, and he’s just some guy who’s smart but not that impressive. I don’t know that my analogy means anything. All I’m saying is I think D. Gokes is a great singer, and yet I feel like someone who takes math class with him.
Twentzlight–Totally a member of the acapella group. Play that Funky Music, White Boy? Really? Don’t get me wrong, his is a good acapella group. Like, the premiere acapella group on campus. But still.
Kute Kris–He’s that guy who sits by a tree and plays guitar. Maybe he sings Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone, and maybe that girl he met at the coffee shop, that girl he met at the frat party, and that girl he met at the outdoor concert all sit Indian style by the same tree and listen to him play, and maybe they all close their eyes and smile knowingly, thinking that the song is about them. But maybe he’s really singing about the sun–like the glowing orb in the sky–because he’s happy it’s spring and cloudy days bum him out, like, seriously.
He does well for himself.
Even when he’s two weeks into growing a mustache, and it still looks like a dirty top lip.
Iraheta–Don’t Speak, No Doubt–She’s the prospective student visiting campus who tries blend in with the college kids by acting like she thinks they act and dressing like she thinks they dress. This means trying to rock out to No Doubt’s slowest, saddest song and dressing like a cross between Jane Child and Julie Brown. Which I don’t think was a popular look even in the 1980s. And of course the college kids can see that she’s trying too hard. Poor thing. Because if she just acted like herself, everyone would love her. And that’s one to grow on.
Lil/Little–I Surrender, Celine Dion–She’s the one with kids. And, uh… I think I had a class with her once? She was nice? Her hair was pretty.
Scott FM–Just the Way You Are, Billy Joel–He teaches piano classes to undergrads and like sets up the arrangements of Billy Joel songs for the marching band. And I think he takes some continuing ed classes at night. Last semester he took a class in playwriting, but he might try his hand at Spanish next semester. You know. Keep things fresh.
Douchey Scarf–You Found Me, The Fray–I don’t know who he is on this campus of mine, but can I say that I liked his performance better than usual this week? I know, I know. Everyone hated it. But he sounded like he could easily have a hit with one of those boring songs that they play on Grey’s Anatomy. And he didn’t run the heck out of the song. So there.
I think that means he’s going home.
If not Douchey Scarf, then The Joy of Corkrey for putting us to sleep or ANOOP for singing first and being forgettable. Or Iraheta, because the cool kids on campus can always spot the high schooler, and they’re always mean to her.
