Monday MELF: Conference Championship-Style

We’re going retro on FifG today–all the way back to September ’08 when I started this blog–to bring back the Monday MELF.

Here’s the deal (as previously posted):

As a preteen, my friends and I used to play the FLAME game.
The rules were mildly convoluted, but the point of the game was to figure out if you and the boy you liked were destined to be:
Friends
Lovers
Alimony (aka Divorced)
Married
Enemies

Now, granted, 12-year-olds should maybe not be interested in finding a lover. And, yes, the game creator clearly couldn’t think of anything better for the letter A. However, I thought this might be a fun game to apply to the league’s QBs…  I’ve decided to drop Alimony. I think E for enemies covers that one anyway. Also, since I thought of this on a Monday, I’m moving the M and renaming the game Monday MELF. Could I just post this Friday and keep its rightful name? Yes! But I’m not going to.

So there you have it. Now let’s try it with the four remaining playoff QBs (clockwise from left): Peyton Manning (Indianapols Colts), Mark Sanchez (NY Jets), Drew Brees (New Orleans Saints), and Brett Favre (Minnesota Vikings).

Married: Peyton Manning. When you’re thinking long term, you have to go with the funny guys. And Peyton Manning cracks me up. Plus, he’s one of the best QBs of all time, and with his commercials airing every 5 minutes, you know he has a viable career after football.

Enemies: Brett Favre. He strikes me as being a little narcissistic. Which is great, and maybe even necessary, in a competitor. But not for social time.

Lovers: Mark Sanchez. Duh.

Friends: Drew Brees. He seems like a friendly, easy-going guy, and he’s done a lot for the city of New Orleans. And who doesn’t like a charitable friend? Also, maybe he can introduce me to Alfonso Ribeiro.

How would you guys rank them?

FifG Game of the Week: Green Bay Packers v. Minnesota Vikings

Green Bay Packers [2-1] vs. Minnesota Vikings [3-0] (Monday 8:00 p.m., ESPN)

Why it’s good football:

It’s an early-season match up of two division rivals, both considered contenders to represent the National Football Conference (aka, the NFC) in the Super Bowl. Also, there’s Brett Fav-reh.

Why you might care:

Because you are just the hip kinda lady that likes to be up on water cooler chat. This game is the water coolerest of the week. Or year, potentially.

Football is just like Pop Culture!

I know, this is the second pop culture treatment Favre’s getting this year, and I know it’s overplayed in the media, but the most interesting games this week are this one and the Jets/Saints game. And I talked about the Jets last week. So throw me a bone.

Anyhoo, this game is so seriously crazy that I struggled to come up with a pop culture analogy that really, truly describes the situation. So I made one up.

Sex and the City. The story of Carrie Bradshaw and her friends living and loving in New York City. When the show first aired, everyone was supposed to say which of the four friends they most identified with, and just about every person I knew claimed to be a Carrie. (For the record, FifG is more Charlotte with maybe a touch of Miranda.) And that’s because everyone loves Carrie and her life in New York City with a fab apartment and a kickass freelance job and an unlimited clothing wardrobe and a bevy of hot men at her fingertips. The other girls make the show complete, but Carrie and NYC make the show.

Now, say SATC went on a little longer than it did, and the ratings slipped a little and Showtime’s new series are doing really well, and HBO is all freaked out that they don’t have Sopranos anymore and need to keep ratings up. So the producers bring in Erin, Carrie’s younger cousin, to add an element of youthful excitement to the show, a new spark. Sarah Jessica Parker is pissed about this interloper, but ratings stabilize and HBO keeps beating Showtime. But then one day SJ decides she’s had enough, and she’s like, OK, I’m done. Show’s over. Let’s end it.

But the producers decide to keep the show going without SJ, because they feel good about the Erin character, so they keep the same title and same premise, but now they feature Erin and maybe Samantha and add some new friends to the mix. Well, SJ Parker is shocked that the show would continue without Carrie and ultimately decides to stay on the show after all. But at this point the producers are like, you know what? We love this Erin show idea, so good luck, but no thank you.

I was looking for pictures of the L.A. episode of SATC, but I couldn't find any. So, here's SJP in "L.A. Story"--awesome body glove suit, right?

THEN, SJ Parker gets a new gig on the rival network Showtime. It’s about a single lady in Los Angeles finding love. And due to some sort of contractual thing, she gets to take the Carrie character with her. So the new show is Love and the Urban Dwelling, and it stars SJ Parker plus, like, Meryl Streep and Megan Fox, and it’s airing at the EXACT SAME TIME as SATC. Now, you totally hated those L.A. episodes of SATC, because, like, why is Vince Vaughn a production assistant, and where is the charm in an entire show about a Brazilian wax? But you love Carrie, and the new show does seem like it could be great–I mean, Meryl Streep! But then you love the old SATC and sorta like the Erin character, too, if you’re being honest.

What do you watch? Which show do you root for?

Boyfriend/Husband/Dad/Other will be so impressed!

Conversation Starters:

-Tell me your feelings about Brett Favre. (Seriously, that’s all you’ll need for this week.)

Fun Facts:

- If the Vikings win this game, Favre will be the only QB to have defeated all 32 teams in the league.

Player Pronunciation:

Jermichael Finley (GB): jer-mie-kuhl fin-lee

Cute football player(s) of the week:

Brady Poppinga, LB, Green Bay Packers

Holy quads, Poppinga! (Also Urlacher on the left...)

 

FifG Game of the Week: Minnesota Vikings vs. Detroit Lions

Minnesota Vikings [1-0] vs. Detroit Lions [0-1] (Sunday 1:00 p.m., FOX)

Why it’s good football: Well, ok, it’s not actually the best game of the week (Jets v. Pats? Dallas v. Giants? Carolina v. Philly? Pittsburgh v. Chicago? Probably all better games.), but as I mentioned, I’d gotten my whole pop culture analogy ready last week, and then I got sick and never wrote a game of the week. So this week we’re heading back to Green Bay and talking about everyone’s favorite over-exposed QB, Brett Favre.

Why you might care:

True story, when I started this blog last year I was initially going to describe a year in the life of the Tampa Bay Bucs with Brett Favre at the helm. Then he jilted the Bucs at the last minute and headed to the Jets. And I had nothing else to write about, except that I was a girl and I like football. And so FifG was born. Or, as they say in fancy places, bourne.

This background is included simply to ensure you that I, too, am tired of the big guy. And yet, here we are. What can I say, he makes for an interesting read! ESPN would surely agree.

Also compelling, the Lions lost every one of their games last season as well as the first game of this season. Think they would be happy to win their first game in two seasons against a division rival with Favre at the helm? Me too.

Football is Just Like Pop Culture! 
Brett Favre and Tom Cruise both started out small but hit the big time fast. After some work in films like The Outsiders and Losin’ It, Tom took on Risky Business. Not risky at all, as it turns out. The role helped Tom get the lead in Top Gun, which made him a major drama/action star, which led him to roles in dramas (Rain Man), chick flicks (Far and Away), and comedies-ish (Jerry Maguire), which led him to be one of the biggest stars in Hollywood. Everything he touched turned to gold (and green), audiences loved him, and he was showered with awards (Golden Globes) and nominations (Oscars).

Similarly, Brett was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons but managed only a year in the South before heading up to Green Bay, Wisconsin, land of football, to play for the Packers. In only his second season there, Brett led the team to their first playoff game in 11 years. And things got better from there. He was league MVP in 1995, and the Packers went to two consecutive Super Bowls in 1996 and 1997. (They won only in 1996.) Announcers always liked to say that Favre played like a kid in the playground, jumping and hugging and high fiving after every touchdown, and there were lots. Plus, Favre built goodwill across the country with a big win on Monday Night the day after his father’s death, and by playing tough through his wife’s cancer and the destruction of his Mississippi home in Hurricane Katrina.

Not sure when this is from, but let's all think of Tom only this way.

But the longer one’s career lasts, the more time a person has to fall. Tom Cruise? Well, the gay rumors started coming on strong during the filming of Eyes Wide Shut with his then-wife Nicole Kidman. Know what doesn’t help gay rumors? Divorce. But that’s what Tom did, leaving his wife and their adopted children behind to date Penelope Cruz. (Know what else doesn’t help gay rumors? Adopting children. And also dating someone who is also rumored to be gay.) But worse than the gay rumors, the divorce led people to think of Tom as something of a douche. And douche is hard to overcome.
Douche is harder yet to overcome when you go on television and lash out at everyone’s early-morning bestie Matt Lauer for speaking against Scientology. Not to mention the fact that being an active, vehement Scientologist doesn’t do wonders for the rep in and of itself. (People tend to be confused/put off by the whole Xenu thing.) So for the sake of love (one hopes) and good PR, Tom married the most cherubic young teen heart-throb he could find in Katie Holmes. But turns out that overzealous, shrieking love for a girl you just met? Also, not so good for the image. So now, Tom Cruise, one of the most famous and successful actors of all time, well, now he’s just considered sort of off-putting.

Retirement number 15. Or maybe 26.

But Brett Favre couldn’t crush the good will he had, right? Wrong. In 2008, after 16 years of Green Bay idoldom, and after he took a rag-tag bunch of players to the NFC Championship Game (lost to the Super Bowl-winning Giants), Brett Favre decided to retire. Green Bay celebrated their hero. Until, that is, he decided to unretire. But by then Green Bay didn’t need him anymore (and were kinda pissed), so they traded him to the New York Jets, where he played a good first half-season and a terrible second half. And then he re-retired. And Green Bay celebrated their hero. Until, that is, he decided to un-unretire. And play, get this, for the Packers’ most bitter rival, the Minnesota Vikings. In order to send a message to the Packers for not letting him unretired (I won’t tell you the exact message he was sending, but rest assured it includes the letters f and u.) And Green Bay cele… Um, well Green Bay felt terrible. And everyone else was like, wait a sec, what an ass! So now, Brett Favre, one of the most famous and successful players of all time? Well, now he’s just considered sort of a jerk.

Conversation Starters:

What do you think about the Vikings drafting Percy Harvin? Do you think they will reap the benefits like with Randy Moss?

Do you think Adrian Peterson will have another 180-yard game against the Detroit defense?

Have you seen Calvin Johnson’s arms? Man, those are huge! Also, do you think Calvin Johnson will have big fantasy numbers this year even though Detroit has rookie QB Matthew Stafford at the helm?

Do you think Matthew Stafford is destined to be another Joey Harrington? Or will he earn his top-pick-in-the-draft status?

Fun Fact:

The Lions have lost 18 games in a row. That’s only one game shy of the Oakland Raider’s record holding 19-game losing streak in 1961-62.

MN tight end Visanthe Shiancoe was born in Birmingham, England.

Player Pronunciation:

Visanthe Shiancoe (tight end, MN): vih-sahn-tee shain-coh
Jared DeVries (defensive end, DT): jair-ehd de-vreez

Cute Player of the Week:

Calvin Johnson, wide receiver, Detroit Lions
(It’s a repeat performance for Calvin.)

Arms!!

Weekly Wrap-Up

This is the time of year when you either have a really good football week or a really bad one. Personally, I had a really bad one. The Bucs officially lost their final four games (I was a realist! Not a pessimist!), and managed to become the first team in 15 years to start 9-3 and then miss the playoffs. 

Which would probably have been a bigger story in national football news, if not for:

• The Detroit Lions. They did, in fact, manage to lose every game this season. 0-16. Ouch. I wonder if Lions fans are completely depressed about this, or if they went numb somewhere around 0-12. 
• The Dallas Cowboys. They lost in bold fashion to the Philadelphia Eagles (final score: 44-6), which doesn’t exactly help the locker room drama, I’m sure. Word is coach Wade Philips is something of a softy, so we’ll see if he’s able to reign in two loudmouth receivers. My guess is maybe not. And Tony Romo is starting to look like a pretty good at time QB who just happens to have dimples and date famous blondes. Cowboys fans have to be at least a little scared for next season, no?
• The New York Jets. They lost, and they missed the playoffs. Their coach, Eric Mangini, has been fired, though a couple of years ago he was “Mangenius.” Brett Favre might return, but he’s old, so should he? I vote no. I’m guessing he will, too, unless the Jets hire some phenomenal new coach.

So there you go, all these big-market teams have taken the spotlight from my ramshackle bunch of losers (said with love, guys!), which is maybe a good thing. Though I feel like the Bucs deserve some recognition for just how historically they fell apart.

Some quick facts to bandy about at your New Year’s Party:

• Fired coaches: Cleveland Browns’ Romeo Crennel, NY Jets’ Eric Mangini, Detroit Lions Rod Marinelli, Denver Broncos’ Mike Shanahan (after 14 years! Shocking!)
• Returning for sure: Buffalo Bills’ Dick Jauron, San Francisco 49ers’ Mike Singletary, Dallas Cowboys’ Wade Philips (or so Jerry Jones says right now)
• The 11-5 Miami Dolphins are heading to the playoffs this year after winning only one game all of last season. Their new coach is named Tony Sporano. Mob connections? Or was it just Chad Pennington (aka prime husband material), playing big to heal the wound of being dumped by the Jets in favor of Brett Favre?
• Two rookie QB/rookie coach tandems have made the playoffs: Joe Flacco/John Harbaugh in Baltimore, and Matt Ryan/Mike Smith in Atlanta. I don’t know what it is that helped Atlanta so much, but I’m guessing Baltimore’s luck had something to do with one Michael Phelps. 

Everyone should make a resolution to use at least one of these facts at a new year’s party tonight. So much easier than planning to lose 20 pounds or stop smoking!

(For the record, my resolution this year, as it’s been every year for the past 5 years, is to drink more water. Sixth time is the charm, I hear.)

I hope everyone has a very happy, healthy 2009!!

FifG Game of the Week: New York Jets v. Tennessee Titans

New York Jets [7-3] vs. Tennessee Titans [11-0] (Sunday 1:00 p.m., CBS)

Why it’s good football:

The Titans are playing great football, despite the fact that they are led by an old man of a quarterback and that they have few big name players. They’re just winning every game they play.

For the Jets, a win here would be a great way to start cementing a playoff spot in a weakened post-Brady AFC East division.

Why you might care:

Brett Favre is playing, and I know you all love him.

Plus, the Tennessee Titans are undefeated, and it’s always fun to watch undefeated teams this late in the season. People tend to fall in one of two camps: 1) those cheering for a clean sweep (a group that probably consists of 99.9% Titans fans and then maybe a few sports history lovers), and 2) those that are cheering for the Titans to lose (people who wish others to fail so that they can feel better about themselves, people who root for the underdog, people who were fans of the only unbeaten team in NFL history, the 1972 Miami Dolphins, members of that same dolphins team… Basically everyone.)

Football is just like Pop Culture!

With Twilight coming out this weekend (and, no, I’m not going to watch it this weekend), I’ll break this game down Stephenie Meyer style.

In the book, Edward (the vampire) and Jacob (the werewolf–i mean, oops, the non-monster if you’ve only read Book 1) fight for Bella’s heart. Edward is handsome and devoted and madly in love with Bella, but he’s overprotective and a little creepy. Jacob is fun, friendly, and madly in love with Bella, but he’s not Edward.

In this game, Brett Favre is the Edward. He’s handsome and charismatic and everyone loves to watch him play, and he’s captured the football fandom like Edward captured Bella’s heart–nearly immediately and whole-heartedly. Then there’s Tennessee QB Kerry Collins. He’s an old guy, which isn’t like Jacob at all, but here he is, always in the league, always there for his team, just solid and stable and winning those games.

I happen to be on Team Edward.

Boyfriend/Husband/Dad/Other will be so impressed!

Conversation Starters:

-So, do you think the Titans will win out? How much would that kill last year’s Patriots? [And Tiffani has a good point--you definitely want to lose early rather than losing in the Super Bowl! That had to hurt...]

-Who do you think will win the AFC East this year? Who knew it would be up for grabs this late in the year–and that the Jets and Dolphins would be in the hunt!

Player Pronunciation:

Alge Crumpler (TEN): al-jee krump-lehr
Lavernues Coles (NYJ): lah-vehr-nee-us kohlz

Cute football players of the week:

Jevon Kearse, Tennessee Titans, Defensive Lineman

Jay Feely, New York Jets, Kicker

Jevon Kearse prays for a shirt.

How does that stretch feely?

FifG Game of the Week: New York Jets vs. Buffalo Bills

New York Jets [4-3] vs. Buffalo Bills [5-2] (Sunday 1:00 p.m., CBS)

Why it’s good football:

It’s a division battle in an up-for-grabs AFC East. The Bills, whose record matches that of the New England Patriots, are coming off of a division loss to the Miami Dolphins. This should drive them to compete even harder, though they are dealing with a bunch of injuries. The Jets would like to stay in the competition to win the division, as well, and this game would be a great step toward doing just that.

Why you might care:

Who can resist watching Brett Favre play? Ok, maybe you have until now, but the reason people like Brett so much (other than his cameo on There’s Something About Mary), is because he has a certain joy when he’s playing. He always seems to be having fun when he’s out on the field, and he tends to do jumping running hugs when he throws a touchdown. It’s charming.

Football is just like Pop Culture!

At the beginning of American Idol two seasons ago, it seemed clear that at the end of the season, the two singers standing would be Melinda and Lakisha, the two big-voiced “divas” of the competition. Lakisha fell out of favor fairly quickly due to some bad song choices (“That song was just a’ight for me”), so then the season’s trajectory became a matter of determining who would come in second place to Melinda. But then, Melinda’s Achilles Heel (knee?) showed early and she was voted off weeks before the finale. All of a sudden, we had to look at Jordin Sparks, Blake Lewis, and even Jason “Duuuuuude” Castro and figure out who was going to win this thing. The competitors realized, too, that it was anyone’s game, and they started pulling out the stops. Blake dyed his hair black–the color of serious rockers–and beat boxed his way through Bon Jovi week in an inspired performance. Jordin straightened her hair and sang serious songs about longing. Jason… well, Jason did his best to remember all of the lyrics despite his (presumably) significantly reduced number of brain cells. And he kept his dreds. Anyway, Jordin came away with the win.

How does this apply to the Bills vs. Jets? Well, the Pats were supposed to run away with the AFC East this year, but then Tom Brady got injured, and now it’s anybody’s division. And the teams are playing up to these new expectations. Even Miami, who won a single game last year, is pulling out all the stops with a bunch of crazy trick plays to win more games. And it’s working! They’ve already tripled last year’s wins.

Boyfriend/Husband/Dad/Other will be so impressed!

Conversation Starters:

-Do you think Brett Favre is happy he unretired from football to play with the Jets? [Favre was a Green Bay Packer for years, retired as a Packer, and then decided to come back to football. The Packers wouldn't take him back, so he was traded to the Jets.]

-The Bills are tied with the Patriots at the top of the AFC East. Do you think they can take the division this year?

Fun Facts:

-Lots of teams seem to be firing their coaches midseason this year (Rams, 49ers, Raiders), but this week the Bills have rewarded their coach, Dick Jauron, for their so-far successful season with a 3-year contract extension.

Player Pronunciation:

Kawika Mitchell (BUF): ka-vi-ka mi-chuhl

Chansi Stuckey (NYJ): chans-ee stuk-ee

Cute football player(s) of the week:

D’brickashaw Ferguson, OT, Jets (Mostly I think I like his name.)

Lee Evans, WR, Bills

D'brickashaw likes how he looks, too.

Lee Evans is sitting.

Action Lee.

For the water cooler

I was trying to get a friend of mine who is a fan of an NFC North team to write this week’s Monday MELF, because I thought she might have a stronger opinion on, say, Kyle Orton, than I do. On the off chance that she does want to write it and is just really thinking about her marriage options today, I’m going to put that column off until tomorrow.

So today I thought I’d give you a few things to chat about in case your boss likes football and you want to brown nose.

-I hear the Rams fired Scott Linehan, and Jim Haslett is going to take over as head coach. Do you think they’ll keep Trent Green at QB or will Bulger be back in? Chris Mortensen seems to think Bulger will be back.

-Can you believe the Bills and Titans are undefeated? Think either one of those teams will head to the Super Bowl this year? (Note: Giants and Ravens are also undefeated, though the Ravens play tonight.)

-Wow! Crazy that the Cowboys lost to the Redskins. Who do you think is going to win the NFC East?

-Brett Favre had six touchdowns against the Arizona Cardinals yesterday–the most in his career. And his ankle was injured. How do you think the Green Bay Packers (Brett’s old team who lost yesterday) feel about that?

Also, I’ve noticed that the player pronunciation keys are some of the most searched for items on the blog, so if there’s someone whose name you can’t pronounce, let me know, and I’ll add it to the blog.

Here are a couple for today:

Jim Haslett (interim coach, St. Louis Rams): jĭm haz-let

Scott Linehan (ex-coach, St. Louis Rams): skot lĭn-ĭ-han

Brett Favre (future Hall of Famer and current NY Jets QB/guy on those jeans commercials): brět fahrv

Monday MELF

Welcome back for week two of Monday MELF. This week let’s tackle the AFC East.

Married: Chad Pennington, Miami Dolphins

He's like The Thinker but with more developed forearms.

In my opinion, Chad’s one of the most marriageable QBs in the NFL. He’s got all of the typical QB traits–ambition, athleticism, leadershipability–plus he’s an intellectual. That’s right, Chad was once a runner up for the Rhodes Scholarship. Don’t believe me? Watch any Dolphins game this year. The announcers are likely to mention this fact about 37 times. And Chad just seems like a nice, happy person who tries really hard in life. Nice, happy, smart, hard-working athletic people are some of the best kind to spend your life with, I hear.

Enemies: Brett Favre, New York Jets

Eh, should've thought of that before you jilted the Bucs.

I know many will disagree with this one. Yes, he’s aged nearly as well as Clooney, and he’s rich, and enthusiastic. and has a cute twang, but he ruined my team this year. Enemy.

Lovers: Trent Edwards, Buffalo Bills

I just saw his picture for the first time this week. Cute. He’s probably smart, too, because he went to Stanford. But I don’t suppose that really matters in this case.

Everyone, this is Trent. Trent, this is everyone.

Hey, friend! Helmet goes the other way.

Friends: Matt Cassel, New England Patriots

If Tom Brady was still playing QB today’s MELF board would probably look different. However, Matt’s the guy now, and taking the reigns of a team that’s supposed to be undefeated from a Hall of Fame-ready, model dating stud can’t be easy. Add to that the fact that Matt led the Pats to a humiliating loss this week at the hands of a team that only won a single game last year. Man needs some friends.