FifG Game of the Week: Baltimore Ravens vs. Green Bay Packers

Baltimore Ravens [6-5] vs. Green Bay Packers [7-4] (Monday 8:30 p.m., ESPN)

Why it’s good football: Uh, because I didn’t write this sooner! And it’s on Monday night! And, um… 
What was the question again? 

Why you might care: You are a fan of Edgar Allen Poe. Because that’s totally where the whole “Ravens” thing comes from. Like quothing the raven “Nevermore” and such. And even though I know that I read Poe’s short stories in 10th grade American literature, for some reason I always think he was British. And also, I think he sounded like Vincent Price. I’m glad there are no recordings of his voice, because if he sounded like Gilbert Gottfreid or something I would be so sad. 

Do you think the Ravens players are required to read Telltale Heart before each season? 

And do you think the Packers have to, like, pack stuff in the offseason? I mean, I guess they do have to pack their bags to go to training camp. So that counts.

I’m going to spare everyone and digress now.

Football is just like Pop Culture!

Do you think Aaron Rodgers feels like the mother on How I Met Your Mother? If you don’t watch the show, it’s a story of modern-day 30-somethings as told by the future version of the lead guy (voiced by Bob Saget). Future Bob Saget is telling his children the story of how he met their mother. So it’s been like 4 years (or more maybe), and we still don’t know who the mother is, but it doesn’t really matter because the best parts of the show are Doogie Howser and the random faux Canadian ’90s teen pop Robin Sparkles videos. (I’ll embed.) 

So anyway, the audience is technically waiting for this wife to appear, and to sweep the main character off his feet, and to produce this whole happily ever after ending. But the lady just never shows up. I mean, we thought Sara Chalke (aka New Becky) was going to be the mom, but then she wasn’t. And CBS keeps promising that we will get closer than ever to meeting the mom, but it’s like, who cares about getting closer? Are we meeting her or not?

Which leads me to Aaron. He’s supposed to be the new saviour for the Packers and lead them to the Super Bowl, especially since he’s one of the main reasons that the Packer ditched Brett Favre (who is in the running for league MVP on the 10-2 Minnesota Vikings). And though he’s actually playing very well this year in spite of a miserable offensive line that cannot prevent sacks, the guy hasn’t been able to help the team get to the top of the division. In fact, it’s Brett Favre’s Vikings who are currently on top of the division. Whoops. 

And now, without further ado, Robin Sparkles:

Boyfriend/Husband/Dad/Other will be so impressed!

Fun Facts:

-The Packers are 30-12 in the month of December, thanks to knowing how to work the cold weather. And the 24 degrees it’s supposed to be at kickoff is chillier than the 40-50 degree temperatures in Baltimore this time of year. Slight un-advantage: No snow in the forecast.
-Baltimore may not be winning all of its games, but in each of the past 5 games, the defense hasn’t allowed more than 17 points. They won 3 of those 5 games. Which means pressure is on 2nd year QB Joe Flacco and 2nd year running back Ray Rice to take advantage of the defense’s play.

Player Pronunciation:

Atari Bigby (GB): ah-tahr-ee big-bee
(Heh. Atari.)

Cute football player(s) of the week:

Ray Rice, running back, Baltimore Ravens

Aww.

 

Ryan Grant, running back, Green Bay Packers

FifG Game of the Week: Indianapolis Colts v. Baltimore Ravens

Indianapolis Colts [9-0] vs. Baltimore Ravens [5-4] (Sunday 1:00 p.m., CBS)

Why it’s good football:

The Colts are still undefeated, thanks to a wacky win against the New England Patriots last week. The game this week against the Ravens could be the toughest they face for the rest of the year.

It should also be noted that Peyton Manning has gotten his team to 9-0 nearly single-handedly, as he has a bunch of young players around him. Also, he may or may not actually be coaching the team. (Tony Dungy-replacement Jim Caldwell notwithstanding.)

Why you might care:

Because you love Ravens QB Joe Flacco. (And it seems that, yes, he’s still dating the same girlfriend.)

Or, because you saw The Blind Side, with Sandra Bullock, and you want to see Michael Oher play.

Football is just like Pop Culture!

The Baltimore Ravens used to be the Baltimore Colts. Then they moved to Indianapolis, and Baltimore was NFL team-less. Many years later, the city got a new franchise, and thus became the Baltimore Ravens. (Yeah, this is way shortened, but you can read the whole story here.)

Totally like the old Becky vs. new Becky on Roseanne. Old Becky, of course, was the cute one of the family, but still fit in nicely with the whole lower-middle-class Wisconsin ethos. But then she left the show and new Becky came, and new Becky was a foot taller, weighed 20 pounds fewer, and sort of didn’t really seem like she could believably be born from Roseanne Barr and John Goodman. And that was off-putting.

But then old Becky came back, and it was like, ooh, she is kind of whiny when you think about it. And then new Becky was back again.

You know what? I don’t know that this really relates to the game much, after all. But I prefer old Becky on Roseanne and new Becky on Scrubs. For the record.

Old Becky (left) looks great here! Good for her.

Boyfriend/Husband/Dad/Other will be so impressed!

Conversation Starters:

-Who do you think will stay undefeated longer: New Orleans Saints or Indianapolis Colts?

- What exactly do you think Jim Caldwell does on the sidelines?

Fun Facts:

-Colts’ kicker Matt Stover was released by the Baltimore Ravens in the offseason. Bad move by the Ravens? They had to release their kicker, Steven Hauschka, just last week.

Player Pronunciation:

Haloti Ngata (BAL): hah-loh-tee nah-tah

Joseph Addai (IND): joh-sehf ah-dahy

Cute football player(s) of the week:

Do I have to put someone other than Donald Brown?

Oh, fine.

Then let’s return to Baltimore’s Brendon Ayanbadejo.

With nipple-piercing and child.

FifG Cute Football Player of the Week: Will Demps

Honestly, I didn’t know who Will Demps was exactly until I saw him on Extra! in the man crew, or whatever, with Mario Lopez and the guy from More to Love, aka The Bachelor for big folks. I learned a lot from seeing him on TV.

1) I am the type of girl who learns thing from Extra! (Eek.)

2) Will Demps is beeyooooootiful.

3) Will, Mario, and the More to Love guy all prefer curvy women. (I daresay that Will and Mario’s idea of curvy is somewhat different than the More to Love guy’s. Mario dated that Doritos girl and Karina from Dancing with the Stars.)

Anyhoo, Demps plays Safety, and he’s played for the Baltimore Ravens, New York Giants, and the Houston Texans, but he’s currently sans team.

Allow me to introduce Will Demps.

Which must explain the gig on Extra! It seems a little humiliating to me, but then I didn’t know him before, so if it’s exposure he wants, then exposure he’s getting.

Will Demps is getting lots of exposure.

Fun Facts that I learned from wikipedia:

• Will’s parents are African American and Korean, so Will speaks conversational Korean.
• He was in a music video with an ex-Destiny’s Childer. Because he’s a model.
• He’s had 6 career interceptions. (Ok, so wikipedia doesn’t have that many interesting facts about Will, but the Korean thing is awesome.)

Does Will have a girlfriend?

I dunno. But if he does, she could be the one:

FifG Games of the Week: The Playoffs, Wild Card Edition

Welcome to the playoffs!

Since there are now only four games per week, it seems a little silly to choose one game of the week. So I’ll go ahead and try to give you a few talking points for each game.

Game 1: Atlanta Falcons vs. Arizona Cardinals [Saturday 4:30 p.m., NBC]

This one is super young vs. super old as rookie QB Matt Ryan and the Falcons travel to Arizona to face 37-year-old Kurt Warner. (In football years, 37 is equal to like 97.) In January of 2000, Kurt Warner won a Super Bowl with the Rams.  In January of 2000, Matt Ryan was a high school freshman.  Hmm.

Pop Culture: Don’t you think Ed Hartwell wishes he was still a Falcon? Poor dude.

Player pronunciation:

Steve Breaston (ARI): steev brehs-tuhn

Reasons to root one way or another:

Falcons: Feel good story of young guy going to the Super Bowl.

Cardinals: Feel good story of an old guy going to the Super Bowl.

Game 2: Indianapolis Colts vs. San Diego Chargers [Saturday 8:00, NBC]

So, the 8-8 Chargers did make the playoffs and got a home game for winning the division. However, there really doesn’t seem to be much if any uproar about it, so never mind my thought that people would be upset. Oh well. Anyway, somehow lots of people seem to think the Chargers will win this one. I guess because of the home field advantage? Even though the Colts have won 12 games this year? And Peyton Manning was voted league MVP? Whatevs.

I think you all know who I want to win this game. (It rhymes with Schmolts.)

Fun fact:

-Indianapolis running back Joseph Addai had 1,072 rushing yards in 2007 and 544 in 2008. Lots of angry fantasy football players out there counting on big numbers from him.

Reasons to root one way or another:

Colts: Tony Dungy may retire this year, and it’d be nice for him to end on a good note. Dungy is widely respected for his calm demeanor and Christian values. He faced adversity a few years ago when his teenage son killed himself, but remained active in charitable work as well as football.

Chargers: The Chargers were pre-season favorites and faltered during the year. A good story for a team who managed to pick themselves up and dust themselves off heading into the playoffs.

Game 3: Baltimore Ravens vs. Miami Dolphins [Sunday 1:00, CBS]

Two unlikely teams in this one. The Ravens have a famously strong defense, but it was hard to imagine that a rookie QB/coach combo could carry the defense to the playoffs. Surprise! As for the Dolphins, they won a single game last year, and this year they won 11. QB Chad Pennington was dumped by the Jets last year in favor of Brett Favre, and the huge chip on his shoulder didn’t hurt his throwing arm at all. (Must have been on the other shoulder.) It probably didn’t hurt that the dolphins had former (really good) coach Bill Parcells pulling strings in the front office, either.

Conversation Starter:

-Who is the better story this year: Joe Flacco or Matt Ryan?

Reasons to root one way or another:

Ravens: Again, the young QB makes a nice feel-good story.

Dolphins: 1-16 one year, Super Bowl the next. Not entirely likely, but a great story!

Game 4: Philadelphia Eagles vs. Minnesota Vikings [Sunday 4:15, FOX]

The Eagles seriously backed their way into the playoffs with a Chicago and a Tampa (sigh) loss in the last game of the season. However, they did destroy the Dallas Cowboys, who were favored by many before the season started to be the NFC’s Super Bowl contender. So what do they have? Momentum! And what else do they have? A QB who is playing for a big new contract! Donovan McNabb might play somewhere new next year, though that likely depends on what happens in the playoffs, and this is a great time for him to show other teams how much money he is worth on a national stage!

As for the Vikings, they won the weak NFC North division and have the potential to do great things, but that potential rests on the legs of running back Adrian Peterson. The second-year Oklahoma grad is a phenom, and he’ll likely need to continue to be to win playoff games.

Cute Football Players of the Week:

Adrian Peterson, Vikings RB

An old photo, but he's still only 23.

Mark Sanchez, USC QB

No, he's not in the NFL yet. But he's earned this.

See?

Reasons to root one way or another:

Eagles: My friend Renada just moved to Philadelphia. Please root for them on her behalf. (I don’t like the Eagles, personally, so that’s all I got.)

Vikings: Their colors are purple and yellow. Pretty!

Weekly Wrap-Up

This is the time of year when you either have a really good football week or a really bad one. Personally, I had a really bad one. The Bucs officially lost their final four games (I was a realist! Not a pessimist!), and managed to become the first team in 15 years to start 9-3 and then miss the playoffs. 

Which would probably have been a bigger story in national football news, if not for:

• The Detroit Lions. They did, in fact, manage to lose every game this season. 0-16. Ouch. I wonder if Lions fans are completely depressed about this, or if they went numb somewhere around 0-12. 
• The Dallas Cowboys. They lost in bold fashion to the Philadelphia Eagles (final score: 44-6), which doesn’t exactly help the locker room drama, I’m sure. Word is coach Wade Philips is something of a softy, so we’ll see if he’s able to reign in two loudmouth receivers. My guess is maybe not. And Tony Romo is starting to look like a pretty good at time QB who just happens to have dimples and date famous blondes. Cowboys fans have to be at least a little scared for next season, no?
• The New York Jets. They lost, and they missed the playoffs. Their coach, Eric Mangini, has been fired, though a couple of years ago he was “Mangenius.” Brett Favre might return, but he’s old, so should he? I vote no. I’m guessing he will, too, unless the Jets hire some phenomenal new coach.

So there you go, all these big-market teams have taken the spotlight from my ramshackle bunch of losers (said with love, guys!), which is maybe a good thing. Though I feel like the Bucs deserve some recognition for just how historically they fell apart.

Some quick facts to bandy about at your New Year’s Party:

• Fired coaches: Cleveland Browns’ Romeo Crennel, NY Jets’ Eric Mangini, Detroit Lions Rod Marinelli, Denver Broncos’ Mike Shanahan (after 14 years! Shocking!)
• Returning for sure: Buffalo Bills’ Dick Jauron, San Francisco 49ers’ Mike Singletary, Dallas Cowboys’ Wade Philips (or so Jerry Jones says right now)
• The 11-5 Miami Dolphins are heading to the playoffs this year after winning only one game all of last season. Their new coach is named Tony Sporano. Mob connections? Or was it just Chad Pennington (aka prime husband material), playing big to heal the wound of being dumped by the Jets in favor of Brett Favre?
• Two rookie QB/rookie coach tandems have made the playoffs: Joe Flacco/John Harbaugh in Baltimore, and Matt Ryan/Mike Smith in Atlanta. I don’t know what it is that helped Atlanta so much, but I’m guessing Baltimore’s luck had something to do with one Michael Phelps. 

Everyone should make a resolution to use at least one of these facts at a new year’s party tonight. So much easier than planning to lose 20 pounds or stop smoking!

(For the record, my resolution this year, as it’s been every year for the past 5 years, is to drink more water. Sixth time is the charm, I hear.)

I hope everyone has a very happy, healthy 2009!!

Monday MELF

Still haven’t given up on the possibility that my friend will tackle the NFC North for me, so let’s just move on to the AFC North.

Married–Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers

He almost died in a motorcycle accident, so you probably wouldn’t have to worry about him deciding to ride one of those during his midlife crisis. Also, he played the whole game last night against the Jacksonville Jaguars, despite significant pain in his throwing arm. And his whole team rallied around him. That’s a stick-it-out kind of guy, a good husbandly trait to have.

Ben's motorcycle. Eeps.

Enemies–Carson Palmer, Cincinnati Bengals

I don’t know why Carson would be my enemy…

Ok, after reading Wikipedia, I’ve decided that this is my reason for disliking Carson:

Also in 2008, an underground group of Arizona Iced Tea fans invented a new version of the Arnold Palmer (drink). The drink contains Pink Lemonade in place of the more traditional kind and is called the Carson Palmer.

Iced tea makes me gag.

Tea. Yuck.

Lovers–Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens

Joe’s team is playing well so far this season, thanks to the Ravens’ strong defense. Will it keep up? I don’t know. Will he turn into a great quarterback? I don’t know that either. So it seems like a good plan to strike while the iron is hot, so to speak.

Joe is having a good moment. (Parents not included.)

Friends–Derek Anderson, Cleveland Browns

Derek is my friend because I picked him up for my fantasy football team at the end of the year last year and thusly avoided coming in last place. (Eighth out of ten is not last.) Also, and not to be repetitive with the whole guys who could use a friend thing, but everyone in Cleveland is ready for younger, handsomer Brady Quinn to take Derek’s job and save the football season. So I’m sticking with it. Derek needs a friend.

...and this is Brady Quinn.

This is Derek...

FifG Game of the Week: MICHAEL PHELPS SPECIAL–Baltimore Ravens v. Pittsburgh Steelers

Baltimore Ravens [2-0] vs. Pittsburgh Steelers [2-1] (Monday 8:30 p.m., ESPN)

Why it’s good football: Because Michael Phelps is a Ravens fan! Ok, so on WordPress.com you can tell what search words people are using to find your page. I posted one thing about Michael Phelps on SNL, and it was really about Peyton Manning, honestly, but that’s still my top post and the main item that draws people to my page. So, heck, why not cater to the Phelps fans out there.

Also, the Ravens have already won two games this year, against Cincinnati and Cleveland teams that were supposed to be good, though that may not be the case. So are the Ravens really good, or were the other teams really bad? The Steelers won their first two games and seemed on top of their game but were beaten fairly handily at the expense of their Pennsylvania brethren in Philadelphia. They were expected to head right to the playoffs, but it remains to be seen how will they measure up against their division rivals.

Why you might care:

Because Michael Phelps is a Ravens fan!

Football is just like Pop Culture!

In the first season of Gossip Girl, Jenny was the uncool freshman Brooklynite who wanted to worm her way into the cool Upper East Side crowd, led by Queen Bee Blair Waldorf. Jenny had some initial struggles, but she managed to transform herself into the typical UES prep girl in a flash, even out-Waldorfing Blair in the act. Of course, by season’s end Jenny realized that she’d become a lying, gossip-mongering, hateful girl, and she cried it out with her family, took some punishment, and returned to the lovably poor (though have you seen rent prices in Williamsburg? Not cheap!) and uncool person she’d been before. And Blair returned to her throne as the bitchiest in the land.

Well, Ravens QB Joe Flacco is a rookie himself, and, like Jenny, he’s captured the football world’s attention off the bat with some wins. But will he find a spot at the head of the AFC North’s QB club, or will Ben Roethlisberger–Pittsburgh’s highly touted youngest Super Bowl winning QB ever–remain the leader of the pack?

Is Joe Flacco the next...

...Jenny Humphrey?

Boyfriend/Husband/Dad/Other will be so impressed!

Conversation Starters:

-What do you think, is Flacco is the real thing?

-The Steelers only ran the ball six times in a half against the Eagles last week. What do you think is going on?

-Think the Browns were really trying to gouge out McGahee’s eyes last week?

Fun Fact:

The Ravens have finished in the NFL’s top 10 in total defense the past five years and eight of the past nine. (per the Baltimore Sun)

Player Pronunciation:

Joe Flacco (BAL): joh flak-oh

Ben Roethlisberger (PIT): ben rawth-lis-bur-ger

Cute football player(s) of the week:

Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo (He used to play for the Bears. Hence the uniform.)

I can't tell you how to pronounce his last name.