Ok, yes, Idol is done for the year. But I’m still reading about the Idol finalists, and I thought I would share some items of possible interest (to me, anyway).
Matt’s Giraud has a girlfriend, and she’s been identified. Apparently her name is Jessica Whelan, and she’s an older woman of 25 years. You can see a mini-picture of her here. She also has pages on a couple of social networking sites, but you can find those yourselves.
Jamie Foxx really does have a crush on Kute Kris. Told you so. See the video of Foxx’s interview on Ellen here. (Side note: One can swoon when he or she is in the presence of Kris, but Kris cannot actively swoon someone. Just a little verb usage fun.)
Is it just me, or are Twentlzight and Kute Kris like the most likable people ever? Twentzlight apparently helped almost everyone with their music choices throughout the show, and he’s just jolly in his interviews. And I feel like you could take little Kris and throw him in your Igloo cooler with your potato salad and ice cold beer, and he would keep everything chilled to the max. See? That was, like, metaphorical.
I’m trying to like D. Gokes. I really am. But then I read that he wants to be an eyeglasses designer–and model. Sigh. But still I persisted in my goal to not dislike him at least, and I watched Michael Slezak’s Idolatry interview (By the way, you should watch ALL of these. They are the best Idol interviews ever.) in hopes that I would like him more. At first I found him just intensely boring and didn’t want to even watch the rest of the 5-parter(as opposed to ANOOP whose hysterical wit made me totally ignore his sometimes bad attitude).But here’s the thing about D. Gokes: It’s not that he’s really that douchey. Or at least not on purpose. He’s just really, really, really earnest. No matter what Slezak does or says in the interview, everything he says just comes out with the same tone and moral certainty. He comes across as kind of meglomaniacal, but I don’t think it’s intentional. And I admire his goals and conviction, but, man, it just does not play well.
That’s right, folks, ANOOP is gone. Again. And Lil/Little, too. Which is sad, but not nearly as sad as the fact that Iraheta was in the bottom 3 again! What?! This is a disgrace and has necessitated that I write a letter to the 13-year-old girls who are voting.
Dear 13-year-old girl,
Hi! I like your shirt! It’s totally pretty.
Aren’t the Jonas Brothers awesome? Who do you like best? I like Nick.
Hey! I hear you like American Idol! Can I tell you something?
The thing is, all of the super cute boys on the show aren’t going to marry you. Which is not to say that they shouldn’t marry you. They really should, because you are so pretty and nice and completely fun to be around. But they won’t (especially Twentzlight–sorry!!!!), and so it’s ok to vote for Iraheta.
I know what you’re thinking–What if Kute Kris is at a party, and you’re at a party. And he’s wearing a plaid shirt, and you’re wearing your new dress from Delia’s with the ruffles. And he’s all, Hi! You’re cute! Want to go on a date? And you’re like, Yeah, and I voted for you! And he’s like, You did?!?! Let’s get married!
Now, even though there’s for sure no denying that could happen, it probably won’t, so you might as well vote for Iraheta. She’s only 16, so she totally understands about being 13. And if you vote for her, she can introduce you to Twentzlight!
Also, and I know you can’t see this now but trust me, D. Gokes is not cool in any way. Even if Simon says so. In fact, he’s what we old people call smug. One day when you’re old, you’ll realize smug people are seriously yucky. Like Vanessa Hudgens for stealing Zac Efron.
Thanks!!!!!
Sincerely,
FifG
Warning, Idol fans, this has been a long day in the life of FifG.
For that reason, the wrap-up may be lacking in length, wit, and creativity.
Lil/Little–I’m Every Woman by Chaka Khan–It sounded like I’m Every Woman by Chaka Khan. I thought it was ok. I don’t know what the judges said. It looked like it was going to be bad, so I fast-forwarded.
Kute Kris–She Works Hard for the Money by Donna Summer–Totally Mrazed-out disco, and it totally worked. For the record, I didn’t think this song counted as disco, but my friend Kevin insisted that it was released when disco was on its last legs. Trust Kevin, everyone. He knows these things. Also, though I’ve threatened it before, Kute Kris’s Falling Slowly was my first Idol iTunes purchase of the year. Am I the only one who thinks Kute Kris would be a perfect pocket-sized angel that sits on your shoulder telling you what you should do to be a better person? Only he would sing his advice? And also be in love with you?
Just me then?
Okey dokey. Moving on.
The Kids Inc. version of Donna Summer. Note the young Fergie.
D. Gokes–Dancing in September by Earth, Wind, and Fire–I love this song. D. Gokes sang it well, but according to Randy he changed it up? Like, how again? And also, people, you’re going to buy his album? Really? I bet you $10 you won’t.
Iraheta–Hot Stuff by Donna Summer–According to the judges it was indulgent, but I found it to be kickass and rockery. And, ok, but whenever they change the song up the judges call it indulgent (unless it’s D. Gokes, of course), but when they don’t change the song they are called boring (even D. Gokes!). No winning with these people.
Twentzlight–something from Saturday Night Fever–I dunno. He sings well, but I found it boring. And also, if I bet you $10 you won’t buy D. Gokes’s album, let’s make this one a $20 bet. However, I’ve no doubt that girls will spend $85 of their parents’ money to watch him in Shrek the Musical. Also, I’ve decided I like him as a person.
Douchey Scarf–Staying Alive by The Bee Gees–I don’t really like Douchey Scarf, but I liked this. Maybe because there were no runs. And maybe that’s why Kara didn’t like it.
ANOOP–Dim All the Lights by Donna Summer (pattern?)–The original song is slow and then, woo! It’s up-tempo! ANOOP’s version was slow, and then, woo. Sorta faster. Like remember the Freaks and Geeks where the cute little geek one who’s on Bones now asks the pretty cheerleader to dance to “Come Sail Away,” and they are slow dancing to the first part, and then it gets to the chorus and she’s like, now we’re fast dancing! And he’s sad. But like half of the kids at the dance are still slow dancing because the song isn’t really that fast? ANOOP was like that.
Maybe Kids Inc. did this one better than ANOOP?
Who’s going home? My guess is Lil/Little and ANOOP.
Huh. This wasn’t lacking in length after all. 1 out of 3, folks.
Who was eliminated after the lamest night of the American Idol season?
No one, that’s who.
The bottom three included ANOOP, Lil/Little, and Douchey Scarf. Douchey Scarf sang for his life, whereupon he was granted a stay of Idol execution.
Why did the judges let D.S. live to sing another day? My hunch is that D. Gokes sailing through a week in which he sang a mawkish ballad with a stage-harp accompaniment was proof enough for them that he wouldn’t be voted off next week–aka the last chance they have to use the judges’ save.
To be fair, I thought D.S. was better tonight than last night, and I even kind of enjoyed his solo in tonight’s group performance of “What a Feeling” from Flashdance. (Hey, Idol folks! Flashdance is another movie with songs not sung by Bryan Adams. Learn up!)
Next week: Disco week. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Reality TV disco doesn’t have to be scary.
See: So You Think You Can Dance.
These were the worst, most boringest songs ever in the history of the whole wide movie world ever, ever, ever. They all need to watch more movies. Immediately. Guest judge Quentin Tarantino was totally like, the f@#* songs did these f@#$*& kids choose? I liked that about him. He was completely enthusiastic and completely over it at the same time.
Except we both appreciated Kute Kris. Kute Kris’s performance of “Falling Slowly” from Once was the only song that was acceptable at all. His performance would have been better if he played the guitar, but Once is a lovely movie, and the song is beautiful. So he wins the night, and he wins the show. There. Done. Let’s call it a show.
This is the better version. Everyone take notes.
Ok, so just in case you want to know exactly how lame the rest of the people are, here you go:
Iraheta. “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” from that asteroid movie. I still love Iraheta, and Simon gave her lots of praise, which was long overdue. But this song is so overplayed and dull. Iraheta! Your hair is bright red! You should watch better movies!
ANOOP and Douchey Scarf. Songs by Bryan Adams.
That’s right, folks. Two separate songs from Bryan Adams.
You know it’s true, every time I hear those songs. Ah-ah-ah. I fall asleeeeep.
Twentzlight. “Born to be Wild” from Easy Rider. I do like Twentzlight, but apparently it’s possible to be bored by something really hugely unboring if done enough times. Twentzlight, the sociology experiment.
D.Gokes. “Endless Love” from Endless Love. A song about his first love being endless. Hmm. Wonder… what… that’s… about.
This dude creeps me out. Also, the song was boring. And Simon was right (before alluding to the “meaning” behind the song): This guy does nothing with the music. Last year everyone was making things exciting. This year? No one.
Jason Castro was original! Remember? And he got a record deal!
Lil/Little. “The Rose” from The Rose. I feel kind of bad for her, so I’ll just say that it wasn’t so good.
Who should go? I don’t know. Just save Iraheta, Kute Kris, and Twentzlight, and I’m good to go.
Look what you did, people. You voted off the friendliest, charmingest, funniest, lite-tunes-of-the-’70s-and-’80s singingest Idol of the season. Who also is blind. Now what do you have to say for yourselves?
(Oh, ok. Heads-up vote, everyone.)
(Sigh.)
Scott FM. His jazzy piano ballads won’t really be missed, but his kind spirit and hilarious quips (and dead-on Simon impression, as seen tonight) will be. So much so, in fact, that the judges almost used the one save of the year to keep him in the competition. After much deliberation, however (which I felt was kind of mean since the guy had to just stand there awkwardly while the judges babbled unintelligently to each other and into the microphone), they decided he was done. Mostly, I think, because Simon wants to keep the golden ticket for D. Gokes.
Stay classy, Scott FM!
(Also, Paula and Kara? Standing ovations are generally great for showing your appreciation, but in this case…?)
Lil/Little and ANOOP were the others in the bottom 2. Not too shocking, even though I liked ANOOP.
That’s right, Ms. Caw Caw herself got the boot tonight. The Joy of Corkrey clearly knew it was coming. She was talking back to the judges, cawing her little heart out, and generally giving everyone in the studio and at home the bird. Haha. THE BIRD. Get it? That was a funny.
In fact, when her bottom 3 brethren, ANOOP and (CONSPIRACY!) Iraheta, were sent back to the couch of safety, she told them, “Remember to caw.” So, yeah, she knew it was coming and she just Corkreyed it up.
Half of me respects the fact that she left on her own, annoying terms. The other half of me finds her petulant and narcissistic. The third half of me doesn’t really care. Short attention span, that third half.
The theme for tonight’s Idol was something like Top iTunes Downloads. Deceptive that, because apparently all of the most downloaded songs of the moment are from 1973. Who. Knew.
Anyway, so I had this exceptionally brilliant idea for this evening’s Idol update. Or actually, Kara had the idea. See, she compared ANOOP‘s performance of an Usher song that is not “Yeah” to that of a frat boy who was dared by his buddies to perform. Which, though I don’t like Kara, wasn’t exactly far off.
Ok, and THEN The Joy of Corkrey got up and sang this Bob Marley/Lauryn Hill number, and she totally reminded me of this girl who was in my freshman dorm who was actually a literal princess of some small European country. She was part of the hippie crew on the end of our floor, which basically meant that she wore hemp shirts tied in the back with hemp rope, smoked lots of pot, and drove a Range Rover. It was the hippie way. At least in Boulder. Annnyway, my dorm room was directly across from the full length mirror in the hall, and the princess girl would just stand there and look at herself for ages. She was a pretty girl, but man, was she impressed with herself. Just like The Joy of Corkrey! A self-impressed pretty hippie. Who sings boring songs. She made me bored.
The rest of the Idolsters were harder to classify, but here’s what I came up with:
D. Gokes–Rascal Flatts song–That guy who is maybe in the religious studies department who knows everything about every religion. He really knows his stuff, very smart, makes a lot of good points, yada yada. The religion professors adore him, his religion classmates look up to him, the works. But then he takes one of his required math classes, and he’s just some guy who’s smart but not that impressive. I don’t know that my analogy means anything. All I’m saying is I think D. Gokes is a great singer, and yet I feel like someone who takes math class with him.
Twentzlight–Totally a member of the acapella group. Play that Funky Music, White Boy? Really? Don’t get me wrong, his is a good acapella group. Like, the premiere acapella group on campus. But still.
Kute Kris–He’s that guy who sits by a tree and plays guitar. Maybe he sings Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone, and maybe that girl he met at the coffee shop, that girl he met at the frat party, and that girl he met at the outdoor concert all sit Indian style by the same tree and listen to him play, and maybe they all close their eyes and smile knowingly, thinking that the song is about them. But maybe he’s really singing about the sun–like the glowing orb in the sky–because he’s happy it’s spring and cloudy days bum him out, like, seriously.
He does well for himself.
Even when he’s two weeks into growing a mustache, and it still looks like a dirty top lip.
Iraheta–Don’t Speak, No Doubt–She’s the prospective student visiting campus who tries blend in with the college kids by acting like she thinks they act and dressing like she thinks they dress. This means trying to rock out to No Doubt’s slowest, saddest song and dressing like a cross between Jane Child and Julie Brown. Which I don’t think was a popular look even in the 1980s. And of course the college kids can see that she’s trying too hard. Poor thing. Because if she just acted like herself, everyone would love her. And that’s one to grow on.
Lil/Little–I Surrender, Celine Dion–She’s the one with kids. And, uh… I think I had a class with her once? She was nice? Her hair was pretty.
Scott FM–Just the Way You Are, Billy Joel–He teaches piano classes to undergrads and like sets up the arrangements of Billy Joel songs for the marching band. And I think he takes some continuing ed classes at night. Last semester he took a class in playwriting, but he might try his hand at Spanish next semester. You know. Keep things fresh.
Douchey Scarf–You Found Me, The Fray–I don’t know who he is on this campus of mine, but can I say that I liked his performance better than usual this week? I know, I know. Everyone hated it. But he sounded like he could easily have a hit with one of those boring songs that they play on Grey’s Anatomy. And he didn’t run the heck out of the song. So there.
I think that means he’s going home.
If not Douchey Scarf, then The Joy of Corkrey for putting us to sleep or ANOOP for singing first and being forgettable. Or Iraheta, because the cool kids on campus can always spot the high schooler, and they’re always mean to her.
This one is almost too easy. There were only a couple of performances that stood out this week, so in my mind the saves are easy breezy.
Of course, I tend to be completely wrong about these things.
Now, I could list the singers whom I thought did the best job, but I realized tonight that the performers I most look forward to watching aren’t necessarily the most talented singers.
For instance, D. Gokes and Lil Little have really nice voices. I don’t look forward to their performances. (And, um. D. Gokes, if guest mentor Smokey Robinson tells you to sing, “It’s outta sight!” then just freaking sing it. Because guess what? He knows more than you do. Okay? OKAY?)
And without further ado, the people I think should stay:
1. Adam Twentzlight Lambert– I think maybe a name change is in order? Twentzfron? (See, before it was Twilight/Pete Wentz, but I’ve added a little Zach Efron.) His version of “Tracks of My Tears” was the loveliest of all songs on Idol this year. And even though I’ve never actually enjoyed one of his performance in a visceral way before this show, I always look forward to seeing how wacky he will be. Because he’s odd. And odd is interesting. And interesting is better than, say, Lite FM. I think I’m going to download his performance this week on itunes. And maybe I’ll add it to my youtube bookmarks with the Carried Underwood “Alone” and the Kelly Clarkson “Stuff Like That There.”
2. Iraheta–She sang “Papa Was a Rolling Stone,” and for once I didn’t like it as much as the judges did. Wha?! I know, I know. But still, she is a great rock singer and seems like a neat, normal kid. And she’s always good. KEEP HER!
3. The Joy of Corkrey–I know, I know, she tends to be something of a train wreck. And yes, I know that I said last week her voice isn’t good, just really crackly-ly compelling in like a voodoo way. But tonight before she sang I was all like, Ooh, I wonder what she’s going to do tonight! It’ll be weird! Again, different is at least interesting. Plus her dress was way cute. Though I think she should have gone with a color that contrasted more with her arm o’ tattoo.
4. Kute Kris–He’s kute.
Other people who sang:
Douchey Scarf (who tonight shall be known as Douchey Sweater and Tie with Really Tight Jeans)–He sang “Let’s Get It On.” Yep, someone sang that. The judges loved it. It was just a’ight for me. Also, Douchey Scarf, drop the Justin Timberlaccent.
Scott FM–He’s keeps on keepin’ on with those jazzy lite sounds. Suuuuure does.
ANOOP–He has such a pretty voice, and he’s smart, and he’s likable. But he sang “Baby, Baby” tonight, which as far as I’m concerned should only be listened to when slow-dancing in an early 1960s gymnasium that is decorated with crepe paper with the theme “Under the Sea of Love” in mind.
So, then who should go home?
Easy, folks! Michael Sarver. I got nothing. I can’t even muster a joke.
I’m guessing it’ll be the Joy of Corkrey, though.
Funny Judge Moments:
-Randy pretends like he has an opinion distinct from Simon.
Hey Simon, don’t you think Randy is lame?
Oh, you don’t?
Haha, me neither, dawg! That’s what I think, too!
-Simon draws a mustache on Paula’s face. For reals.
Last week everyone was pretty good, and I enjoyed watching almost every performance at least a little. This week I really liked a few songs, and the rest ranged from meh to bleh.
In honor of guest judge Randy Travis…
I’m Gonna Love You Forever
1. Iraheta. Blame it on Your Heart. I am completely befuddled. This girl completely rocks, and the judges seemed to think it was so-so. And Simon called her precocious? And tuneless? The heck? 1) That girl is like the least precocious person I’ve ever seen (um, interview skills?), save for her talented beyond her years singing voice. Randy Travis has never heard a 16 year old with her vocal maturity, Simon! Geez. And 2) Is Simon even listening to the singing or does he just want to play Ring Around the Rosy all season with Wentzinson, D. Gokes, and Little?
I feel like a conspiracy theory is in order here. I can’t think of one yet. I’m working on it.
2. Kute Kris. Make You Feel My Love. Did you notice that even his forearms are cute? And that he sings adorably from the side of his mouth? And that when he held up his fingers to ask people to call in for him, he held up his wedding ring finger? Awww. Totally compensating for last week when Simon told him to hide his love away and his wife was all seriously pissed like a sweet and pretty 23-year-old who takes herself a little too seriously would be. What a nice guy. Sigh…
Wait, what were we talking about?
Oh right. The song. He maybe got a little too much credit for his very pretty version of the Garth Brooks song–which sounded a lot like the Adele version, frankly–but he sings purty as he looks. And I like that Simon called him Tender Puppy. I think maybe the judges take turns visiting him at the Idol Mansion to feed him, take him on walks, and give him treats. I wonder if they fight over whose bed he’s going to sleep in. Hmm. I digress.
3. ANOOP. You Were Always on My Mind.I like that in his opening video he used the words “apprehension” and “impetus.” I like that he sang on key and kind of ever-so-slightly R&B-ized it. Otherwise, I thought it was pretty nice, and the judges lurved it. (You’ll notice his critique was better than Iraheta’s, too…)
Here’s my favorite part, though. When Ryan asked him if he was surprised by the good review, he said, basically, no. Awesome! Because, let’s be real. Ryan would never ask D. Gokes or Lil if they were surprised by a good review. They asked ANOOP because he’s smart and a little nerdy, and everyone knows that those types of people should feel kind of bad about themselves. Well, darn it, ANOOP works hard, and he expects a good review. He accepts the criticism and the praise with composure. Way to be.
Meh
Alexis. Jolene. Sad, because I love that song. I think I liked Brooke White’s version better, and that one wasn’t even great.
(Side note: Disturbing moment of the night. Alexis asking the judges, “Do you miss the dirty? You do? You miss the dirty?” Eesh.)
Brooke doesn’t miss the dirty.
Lil/Little. Independence Day. Carrie Underwood did it better.
D. Gokes. Jesus Takes the Wheel. Carrie Underwood did it better. (Also, Paula said, “We fall a little short of appreciating you.” Uh… How exactly could they appreciate him more?)
Douchey Scarf. Something I don’t know by Carrie Underwood. I’m pretty sure Carrie Underwood did it better.
Bleh.
Scott. Angels Swim In Rainbows of Hope and They Are My Inspiration for Mandolin Rain, or something. Can we end the Lite FM already? PLEASE?! I know, I know, he’s blind and a nice guy. But I hate everything he sings.
Corkrey Joy. Walkin’ After Midnight. She had the flu this week. (cough, cough) I guess her boobs didn’t? And she wanted to show their health? Also, just to be sure, am I morally obligated to like her for her flu like I’m morally obligated to like Scott’s Lite FM? (Ah-ah-ah-CHOO) If so, I totally won’t mention that I don’t think she can sing well at all, just with a twang that covers up the badness enough to divert our attention to her pretty “package artist”-osity. (cough, cough)
Twentzlight. Ring of Fire. Did we all just take a collective hookah hit? I thought so.
Whoops
Michael Sarver. Something Fast. I forgot that he sang tonight. Whoopsie.
Paula. I guess she’s back to the “special” Coke? I hope not. I’ve liked her so much this year.
Tomorrow Night: Randy Travis and Carrie Underwood perform. Yay!
Also, who will go home? I’m guessing Scott, Michael, or Lil, but you just watch it be Iraheta. Conspiracy, I tells ya!
