Jesus Leads 7-9 Team to Playoffs

How did the 7-9 Seattle Seahawks win a ticket to the playoffs?

Jesus played quarterback!

Ok, it’s really Charlie Whitehurst.

But is it any coincidence that a previously lousy backup QB had the game of his life in the NFC West showdown against the St. Louis Rams?

You be the judge.

 

Stretching... or parting waters? Oh wait, that's Moses. Whatever.

Ok, I’d like to date Jesus, er, Charlie. But does he have a girlfriend?

Once again, FifG would like readers to note that many of the sites that claim to inform you about NFLers’ girlfriends are bad for the ol’ computer. There is no concrete evidence online that he is taken, but according to an observant Talk-Sports commenter named “Anonymous” (pretty name!!), he has frequented a Safeway in Bellevue with steady gal. Anonymous describes her as, “Tall blonde, good body, kind of cute.” So now y’all know Jesus’s type.

What else can you tell me about Cheezus (where Chaz + Jesus + Glee = Cheezus)?

1. Matt Hasselbeck’s daughter Annabelle really thought Cheezus = Jesus, per Peter King.

2. He’s a Leo. (Birthday is August 6, 1982.) Hence the hair.

3. He was a 3rd round pick in 2006 for the San Diego Chargers. He played in only 2 games for the Chargers, before being traded in March 2010 to the Seahawks.

4. He was born in Green Bay, Wisconsin, where his father David Whitehurst also played QB.

So, when’s Cheezus’s next game?

Cheezus Whitehurst may or may not be starting this week’s playoff game against the New Orleans Saints (Saturday at 4:30 p.m. on FOX), but if the Seahawks falter, you can be sure that CW will be there to suffer for the team’s sins.

 

Jay Cutler Update, Care of the Commenters

I’m going to be upfront with the FifG nation: This new blog post is not a new blog post.

That’s right, I’m just going to go ahead and refer you back to this post about Jay Cutler and his dating status, because we’ve gotten some interesting new comments.

As the post can attest, I never thought Mr. Cutler seemed to be prime dating material, but I know many beg to differ.

One person who doesn’t? Commenter REALITY CHECK FOR U GIRLS.

Here’s just a sampling of what she had to say:

Jay is not to be trusted, to say the least….No matter how many times he promises you a game or dinner, it will not happen. He is the classic blow-off. Maybe it’s because I refused to meet “for cocktails”, regardless, no girl deserves to be treated the way he sees fit….He goes out too much. I mean, shit, pick up a hobby or something. Do something other than sitting on a pedestal at DT bars and clubs drinking and getting your body guard to approach chicks for you.

The End. (i hope)

Eek, RCFUG! Thanks for the heads-up.

FifG hopes it’s The End, too.

T.O. as Shannen Doherty: The Analogy Lives On!

Ok, so remember how T.O. was just like Shannen Doherty? And he and Donovan McNabb feuded in Philly just like the gals of 90210? (Ok, so I think technically we said Charmed, but I’m modifying history slightly.)

Well, turns out Donovan wants T.O. to come play with him in Washington!

Which means that my analogy has brand new life. Lucky me! Lucky you!

So, when they decided to make the new 90210, you totally knew that they were going to get Kelly and Donna to sign right up. I expected Steve to be there, too (I mean, has the guy done anything since the ’90s?), but no one knew if Brenda would be back. After all, her history on the show was pretty unstable, and besides, you know the other actresses had to still hate her.

BUT they also knew that no one would care about the new show without Brenda. I mean, Brenda is whiny and bitchy and fun! Kelly and Donna are dullsville with snooze sauce.

And so the show runners worked hard to bring her back for a few episodes. And so Donovan is working on getting T.O. to help stretch the field for a few good plays a game.

The moral of the story: Talented divas are still talented. And talent deserves respect.
(Which is why I like Project Runway.)
(Even though a lot of the designers are annoying.)

Cute Football Player of the Week: The Tradees

In discussing the recent Brady Quinn/Peyton Hillis trade, a Denver friend insisted that that the Broncos got the best (read: cutest) player on the field. But, um, Peyton Hillis? Anyone?

So, with that in mind, I thought we should delve into a major recent trade that sent Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb to the division-rival Washington Redskins.

Technically, this was not a player-for-player trade (the Eagles received draft picks instead). But the reason this trade went down is because Andy Reid and the bald-birds thought that their QB-in-waiting, Kevin Kolb, was ready to lead the team.

Some say that McNabb was traded within the division as a sign of respect for his career in Philly because Reid wanted him to go to a team that could contend for the Super Bowl . Others (myself included) think that trading a player within-division can only mean that Reid no longer sees McNabb as a threat, and is all like, Hey! You think you can beat us twice a year? Give it a try, man!

Anyhoo, it’s not FifG’s job to tell you whom the better QB will be this year (that, my friends, is the job of a man named Father Time), but it is FifG’s job to tell you who’s cuter. Or to give you photographic evidence so that you may decide.

So here you go:

Aww, come on. You all know Donovan.

Not gonna lie, it's really hard to find a good picture of Mr. Kolb.

FifG’s vote goes easily to McNabb. Because now that he’s not an Eagle, I don’t have to hate him.

Oh, also, according to a website for his college team, here’s the pronunciation of Kevin Kolb’s name:
Kevin Kolb: keh-vin kahb
(Sounds like: corn on the cobb.)

Brady Quinn, Former Cute Football Player of the Week, is a Bronco

Well, geez. It’s musical QBs out there!

Last year, Cute Football Player Jay Cutler left Denver for Chicago.
This year, Cute Football Player Brady Quinn is leaving Cleveland for Denver.
And Jake Delhomme, who’s cute but not in the official FifG sense, is headed to Cleveland.

Quinn and Derek Anderson faced off in a year-long QB battle with the Browns last year, but unfortunately both of them lost. 

Quinn was supposed to be the Cleveland golden boy, but that never panned out. It’s tough to be a golden boy when the rest of your team is terrible. So now Quinn has the chance to battle it out with QB Kyle Orton (and his mustache) to lead a mediocre (but not terrible) Broncos’ team. John Elway 2.0? Yet to be seen!

 

 

There's no water in Denver, but let's pretend.

Super Bowl Cupcakes: Saints

Yesterday I showed you some Colts cupcake ideas.

Today it’s the Saints turn, and I’ve got to make like Paula Adul and tell you Straight Up that Saints cupcakes were way harder to make than Colts cupcakes. Mostly because the Saints’ logo is a fleur-de-lis. Which is for realz harder to make than even a cardinal.

Darn you, fleur-de-lis!

Anyway, here’s what I came up with to make life a little easier:

This was the best compromise I could think of. It’s just a white cupcake with dark fudge frosting, topped with a Werther’s Original candy. Because it meets the black and gold color scheme in a simple, easy-to-make way. You will notice that I tried to draw fleur-de-lis-es on top of the candy wrappers, but they look more like (from left to right) a blotchy disease and a bird. (Note to self: Next time you need to draw a bird, aim for fleur-de-lis.)

So next I tried to actually incorporate Saints things.

The “Who Dat” is a pretty easy way to manage a Saints cupcake. You’ll see that I attempted to fancy up the one on the right. Yes, it’s supposed to be a fleur-de-lis. Close, right? (Also, use an exclamation point, not a question mark. My bad.)

And finally, a little more easy lettering, and one more shot at being artistic.

Super Bowl Cupcakes: Colts

It’s that time of year again. Super Bowl Sunday is a week away, so now’s the time to shore up game plans and figure out the menu for the big day.

As a cupcake lover, I’d argue that there is no better dessert to serve your fellow SB-watchers. And you will be even more popular with the gang if you bring festively-decorated cupcakes. Which is why I do some prep work each year to help you come up with some easy decorating ideas for your own Super Bowl parties.

Without further ado, here are some Colts cupcakes (with Saints cupcakes coming tomorrow):

And there you go. The official most-successful Colts cupcakes. Very easy to make, too. I used a box mix of white cake, and store-bought vanilla icing. Just bake the cupcakes, and cool until non-mushy. Then put a gob of white icing in a bowl and add a bunch of blue food coloring (the neon blue kind works best for Colt blue). Ice half with white, half with blue, and then pipe the opposite color in a horseshoe shape on top of each. (I use a Ziploc bag with one corner cut off for piping–fancy, I know.)

Then just put these fancy new-fangled York Peppermint Pieces around the outside of each cupcake. Et voila!

For another, simpler idea, you can just frost the cupcakes with white frosting, and use a little tube of blue icing to make the horseshoe. (Note: I didn’t look at a picture of the Colts logo until after making these, which is why they look kind of off. Trying to do it from memory…)

I actually dyed some of the cupcakes themselves blue. It was only sort of cute. But it makes your mouth much less blue that dyed-blue icing–which will make your mouth blue for many moons. Just as a warning.

And I added candy hearts for people who love the Colts. Or who just want to take advantage of all the Valentine’s candy.

Playoffs: Saints vs. Cardinals

New Orleans Saints vs. Arizona Cardinals (4:30 P.M.)

About the game:

This one pits the NFC’s #1 seed against last year’s Super Bowl loser. It’s big news for the Saints, who have not ever reached a Super Bowl. The fan support in New Orleans is huge, especially after the city went through so much devastation in Hurricane Katrina. Arizona was the top team in the lowly NFC West. They are definitely the underdog here, but then they were the underdog last year, too. And came very close to a Super Bowl victory. So don’t count them out.

Want to make Cardinals cupcakes? Get some ideas here.

Players you should mention in discussion:

Kurt Warner, QB, Cardinals
Sample question: Do you think Warner will retire at the end of the year? After all, he is 38 years old.
Fact you should know: Kurt Warner took the St. Louis Rams to the Super Bowl after the 1999 season. They won the game and Kurt was MVP.
Also: Kurt Warner’s wife is like 10 years older than he is. And before he went to that first Super Bowl, he worked as a grocery store stocker.

Vintage Kurt Warner

Darren Sharper, Safety, Saints
Sample question: How much of a difference did Sharper and the improved defense make for the Saints this year?! Right? OR: Do you think the last three losses suffered by the Saints are signs that the team is not going to do well in the playoffs, or was that just fatigue and injuries?
Fact you should know: This is Sharper’s first year on the Saints. He most recently played for the NFC #2 seed Minnesota Vikings.
Also: Sharper had 9 interceptions this year. He returned the interceptions for a league-record 376 yards this season. (Meaning, he caught the ball that the other team threw, and he ran it back in the other direction for a total of 376 yards this year. Which is a lot.)

Darren Sharper. How often are these player pictures adorable?

Who should I root for?

Typically I’d say you should root for the Cardinals as the underdog, but there’s a bigger picture here. Which is that the Saints are the underdog of the NFL, if not the season. So, if you want the underdog, go Saints.

Also, if you root for the Saints, you can say “WHO DAT!” a lot. (That’s the fan slogan. It’s fun!)

As for the Cardinals, they’re the team you want to root for if you want to support an aging QB (maybe) on his way out of the league.

Or if you really like birds.

Wes Welker: Does He Have a Girlfriend?

UPDATE: Wes is now engaged to the woman seen below, Anna Burns.

Let it not be said that I never do anything for you.

Because I have real-live pictures (taken of my TV with my cell phone) of the woman who may be Wes Welker‘s girlfriend. If he has a girlfriend. (My apologies, Wes, if she’s a relative.)

Girlfriend and Wes, who is high-fiving Pats owner Robert Kraft. (Also my DVR. Love you, DVR!)

And the GF giving Kraft (or another owner-type) a half-assed high five. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she is just uncomfortable here and not the eye-rolling type.

Aren’t we glad the Patriots scored those two touchdowns so we could at least see into the owner’s box seats?

Playoffs: Wild Card Weekend, Day 1

So when I said I was blogging regularly I forgot that it meant I would have to come up with something to write. Details.

Two big games today, so how about a quick run-through:

Game 1: Cincinnati Bengals vs. New York Jets (Saturday, 4:30 p.m.)

Experiencing deja vu? That’s because these two teams played each other last week. The score was 37-0 in favor of the Jets, but this game is no sure thing. The Jets needed a win to get into the playoffs, and the Bengals had no reason to play hard last week, as their standing in the playoffs would not have improved with a win. Meaning, the Bengals played their D game against the Jets’ A game. This week will be A vs. A.

Conversation Starters:
-Do you think the Jets should even be in the playoffs? They played the Colts’ second stringers two weeks ago and a lame Bengals team last week!

-How do you think the sudden death of both Bengals’ defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer’s wife and injured star wide receiver Chris Henry during the season will affect the Bengals’ play?

-Do you think either team has a chance to make the Super Bowl this year?

Fun Facts

-FifG Cute Football Player of the Week is the only rookie QB who made the playoffs this year. (Though the Jets’ success is based mostly on the team’s stellar defense and their effective running game, under RB Thomas Jones and Nate Washington.)

-Bengals’ receiver Chad Ochocinco was born Chad Johnson. He changed his name to reflect his jersey number, 85, even though ocho cinco technically means 8-5.

More Mark Sanchez? Ok!

Game 2: Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys (Saturday, 8:00 p.m.)

Experiencing deja vu? That’s because these two teams played each other last week. The score was 24-0 in favor of the Cowboys, but this game is no sure thing.

Well, ok, last week’s game might be a little more telling than the Bengals/Jets game, because both teams had something to play for last week, and the Cowboys still killed the Eagles. On the other hand, the Romo Cowboys haven’t exactly set the playoff world on fire in the past (as in, they’ve not won a playoff game), and the Eagles have the DeSean Jackson/Donovan McNabb tandem that seems to make big plays at least a couple of times a game.

Conversation Starters:
-Do you think the Cowboys curse days are over–they sure had a great December this year?

-Rumor has it that this is Donovan McNabb’s last year with the team. What do you think about that?

-Which NFC East team do you hate most? (For me, it’s the Eagles, followed closely by the Cowboys. Tricky game to root for…)

Player Pronunciation

Gerald Sensebaugh (DAL): jar-uhld sehn-seh-bawh
Chris Gocong (PHI): kris goh-kong (and former FifG Cute Player)

Cute Player of the Week

DeSean Jackson, Eagles

Action Jackson

DeSean likes pretzels.