The top twelve does not include:
Toddrick the Double Threat (Song Arranger/Deranger and Dancer),
Kaitlyn Kingperly the Curly,
Alex Go Forth and Mulletply,
and
Lilly Anthropologie!!!
It does include, however, all of the sparkly, off-key, incredibly boring pretty people who make me want to vomit. (Ok, not vomit, really, just fast forward.)
No mullets, no rockin’ dresses, no Felicity curls, no Broadway-style moves this year.
Can we just crown WOWersox and call it a season?
(Oh, and Siobhan! made it, too. A little yay for that.)
The dress you should wear to mourn Lilly Anthropologie's American Idol run.
But just for the sake of maintaining recapping normalcy, I shall give a one-word recap of each singer.
Lee Dewyze–Firefleh (I didn’t say the one-word recaps would be real words.) Alex Lambert–Mulletastical Tim Urban–Stop singing Hallelujah already! (Ok, that was 4 words, but seriously. Stop singing that song! 1) Too much play = watered down. And 2) It’s about the awfulness of a relationship, not about praising life. Tim Urban, rough life?) Andrew Garcia–Blah Casey James–Meh Aaron Kelly–Fast-forward (The hyphen makes it 1 word.) Toddrick–Good Big Mike–Makin’-the-ladies-sad-they-aren’t-currently-giving-birth-because-they-got-a-man-so-sweet-,-right-Kara-?
Oh, and I have a couple of nickname ideas for a few who might make the Top 12: Alex Lambert: Go Forth and Mulletply OR Eyelashes Casey James: Pretty Dax (because he looks like a prettied up Dax Shephard)
Oh, and my vote for Lilly Anthropologie’s next dress (if she makes it, of course):
The Fragmented Pipeline. Is really the dress's name.
That theme? Old Ladies! Yup, the whippersnappers aged themselves a collective 400 years or so tonight. Which is fine by me, I suppose. My favorite movie this year was Up. And when I was in middle school and everyone else couldn’t wait to be 16, I couldn’t wait to be 40. So I’m all about the old.
(Also, I got this super awesome Blanche Devereaux shirt.)
So a quick recap of the old ladies:
Lilly Anthropologie strikes again!
Katie Stevens, Breakaway–She’s 16 but she sings 35. Anyone noticed that whenever a contestant sings Kelly Clarkson it makes you love the original more? Siobhan!, House of the Rising Sun–The song is from 1964. That’s old. And also weird. But 1) Hooray for weird! And 2) Her voice is pretty. Lacey Leopard Spots, The Story–I like this song. And Lacey sang it well. But the best part of the original is the like angry scream-y part, where she’s all I LIKE YOU A SUPER LOT MORE THAN I LIKE OTHER PEOPLE, STUPID! And Lacey Leopard Spots skipped it. (Though she did wear a granny-with-verve leopard print sweater. Nickname born.) Kaitlyn Kingperly… Er, Carole Epperking…, I Feel the Earth Move–Oh yeah, just like listening to Carole King play her instrument-y thing with her overall-y things and the big curly hair back in 1975! Didi Benami, Rhiannon–Fleetwood Mac is current. (She should’ve changed it to Rhianna and worn some sort of leather bodysuit with a mohawk. Current!) Paige the Forgotten, Smile–Did you know that song was written by Charlie Chaplin? Current. Crystal WOWersox, Give Me One Reason–WOWersox! Awesome nickname, right? I’m super proud of it. But here’s the thing, she sings better than everyone and rocks a lot, which is awesome. However, I went to a Tracy Chapman concert once at Red Rocks (mostly because I wanted to see a concert there before moving away from CO, home of my college), and the show was not full. During the summer. At Red Rocks. In the heart of dredlock-land. So maybe she should sing some songs more people like listening to. Lilly Anthropologie, I Fall To Pieces–Patsy Cline. Which is, you know, current. But I loved it. And though I didn’t lurve the dress, guess where it’s from?! (See above, where I accidentally moved the image.)
Crystal Bowersox being healthy enough to sing. And not singing Alanis. And singing really well… Didi Benami choosing to sing “Lean on Me,” because I love that song. Even the non-We Be Jammon’ version… Lilly Scott’s dresses. Two Anthro dresses in a row! This week’s is apparently sold out (here is it on ebay), but here‘s last week’s… Paige Miles singing Kelly Clarkson… Kaitlyn Epperly’s voice (but not the freaky close-up camera faces)… Siobhan Magnus, who is now my favorite Idol of the year. And not because she hit the crazy high note on Aretha’s “Think,” but because, well, she’s crazy. As Simon said, “You’re such a strange person.” I am a sucker for quirk.
My vote for Lilly's next dress.
And the bad:
Haeley Vaughn singing Miley is like me singing Miley on youtube karaoke. Inspirational, but not, how you say, “pleasant on the ears”… Lacey Brown singing Sixpence None The Richer–and not because she sounded bad but because she was doing, like, a singing impression of the Sixpence lady. To put it in youtube karaoke terms, it’s like when I sing “Zombie” by the Cranberries and put on my best faux Irish accent for the whole zo-ohm-baya-heya-heya part… Let’s just put Katie Stevens in a movie with Joe Jonas and move on, shall we?… Lilly Scott’s actual performance tonight kind of frightened me. Also, I think she should dye her hair black.
You know you want to try out your own singing Irish accent.
This week, the men were in a heated competition for the title of “That Guy on My Jack Johnson Pandora Station Whose Whiny Emo Songs I Always Skip Unless I Have Run Out of Skips Because I’ve Been Trying To Avoid All Those Other Guys Who Sound Just Like You.”
I liked three performance:
1) Alex “The Mullet” Lambert, because his voice is super cool and because he looks like a 3-year-old-baby man. 3-year-old-baby men are adorable, turns out.
2) Lee “Could Totally Beat You Up But Is Nice Now”* Dewyze, because he is going Nickelback when everyone else is going The Script. I don’t happen to like Nickelback, but I appreciate the change. Also, his voice is louder than the band and no one else can really say that.
*Sayid–on Lost tonight–said he was nice now, too. And look how THAT turned out! Stay away from Smokey, Dewyze.
3) Big Mike Lynche, because he sounded pretty good, and he’s likable, and he went to Gibbs, the performing arts high school in Tampa. Yay, Tampa! When I was 17, a guy I worked with who went to Gibbs asked me out for coffee. And he was a drummer, so that was pretty awesome. Well, until he forgot he’d asked me out and left work without me. Oops.
(It wasn’t Big Mike. So no hard feelings.)
The patented +, -, ? grading system failed me a little tonight, because I didn’t give out a single +. Meaning, I didn’t really enjoy any of the performances.
So, here are a few people I might enjoy some other week:
Tyler Grady–He has a cool style. So that’s something. But his American Woman was totally charisma-less. And I know, because I saw Lenny Kravitz in concert. And even though I’m not a devoted Lenny fan, I came away thinking, Wow, that dude, like, sweats charm! I guess it’s a rock star thing.
John Park–He’s very tall.
Todrick Hall–He ruined Kelly Clarkson’s Since You’ve Been Gone, but he ruined it with a lot of effort.
Casey James–I don’t get the uber-hot rep he’s gotten. Maybe because I’m not much for blonds or because he reminds me of that commercial where you think you’re looking at a girl’s hair but it’s really a Golden Retriever. But his voice sounds like and alto Tiny Tim. So that’s fun.
Andrew Garcia–He rocked Hollywood Week with a seriously awesome Paula Abdul cover. And he sang an Adele tune. However, he kinda sucked tonight.
Alex Lambert–His voice is seriously cool. But here’s what I wrote down when he was singing, “Nervous… ” He looked so miserable that I had to draw a sad face to comfort myself. I almost drew a tear falling from the eye dot, but I decided it was overly dramatic for American Idol notes. Just barely.
This is what Casey James sang. But Lil’ Davie owned this one.
What with the reminiscing about his long-lost childhood at age 16.
Note the background singer crying in the background. Because of the beauty of it all.
(Go to about 0:57)
I came up with a seriously complex ranking system for tonight’s Idol girls. I’ll go through it step by step, so see if you can follow:
If I liked the song a lot, I gave it a +.
If I didn’t like the song, I gave it a -.
If I was undecided, I gave it a ?.
Questions?
Good.
So, this night’s top 12 girls were a little unremarkablet. I felt like it was a competition for a contract to sing the song played in the background of “Grey’s Anatomy” when Izzie decides to leave Alex again after her cancer comes back. I mean, really folks, have you learned nothing? Mopey doesn’t play well in Top 24 week.
That said, I gave the hallowed + to exactly three performances tonight, so I’ll just talk about those. (And I don’t think I’m giving out nicknames this year until I know who’s sticking around.)
Paige Miles, All Right Now–It was a weird song to sing, and the mic seemed to pick up lots of extra noise, but I like her. First because she’s gotten no screen time at all until now and I’m way compassionate. Second because she has kind of a cool like husky/smokey voice. Which is better than all the girls tonight who were trying to sound like tiny falsetto babies. Also, she’s a preschool teacher. And she did a karate kick after the song. Which is like the foot version of jazz hands–something I totally approve of.
Kaitlyn Epperly, Oh Darlin’–I’m not sure why exactly but I kind of wanted to hate Kaitlyn. Which goes against my better judgment since she is a proud member of the curly hair club and almost has a little Felicity going on, which is the ultimate compliment. Except that Felicity would never have such horrible roots. But again, she has a husky voice, sang a quirky-ish song, and wore a black leather dress with a feather-thing in her hair, and all that weird adds up to good, in my book. I have to say, the out-of-nowhere goodness was little reminiscent of Iraheta last year. But only a little.
Lilly Scott, Fixing a Hole–I swear in Hollywood Week that she had dyed her hair gray (because people do that), but I think maybe it was just light, light blond. So that was disappointing. But what a cool and random Beatles song to sing. And girl sang it quirky without losing the tune. Plus, she’s really tall, and her parents look almost identical to each other. These are the notes I took. I also wrote, “could not be awesomer.” So, there you go. Lilly “Could Not Be Awesomer” Scott. Choice #1 for FifG’s Idol. So far.
Honorable Mention: Crystal Bowersox, because she played the harmonica and the guitar. The only reason she didn’t get a + is because she sang an Alanis Morrisette song, and I only like Alanis when she’s singing about Dave Coulier and popping out of lockers to say, “Heeeeeeey, Alistair!”
Because rumor has it that American Idol Top 24 member Janell Wheeler is University of Florida QB Tim Tebow’s on-again off-again girlfriend. Why their relationship is so hot and cold has not been disclosed, but perhaps it can be attributed to the fact that he has his pick of the female population of UF. Or because she gets bored by his virginity. (Dude’s super religious. See: Super Bowl ads where he tackled his mom to fight abortion.)
Tebow and Wheeler. I believe this is called "canoodling."
Tebow is heading to the NFL draft this spring. Though he is a QB by trade and one of the (if not the) top college football players of all-time, experts say he doesn’t have the proper technique to make it as a passer in the NFL. The thought is that he would make a great tight end, because of his size and strength. On the other hand, Tebow is a hard-worker, has great character, and could be out to prove the naysayers wrong. So some team could get a really great deal on this guy. (NFL Draft is in April–only 2 months away!)
As for Janell, I haven’t been blown away by her singing so far this early-season, but I am kind of rooting for her, because 1) She is from Tampa, and 2) I went to high school (in Tampa) with a girl who had the same last name, and she was a very nice person, and I’ve decided they are related.
1) Because I have a new computer! The screen is really small, so I’m afraid I might have rushed to judgment, BUT it also has 6 hours of battery life. And that’s a lot! Which was the selling point! So here’s hoping I don’t regret it! But it has a plaid pattern so that counts for a lot! Exclamation point!
2) American Idol auditions are a thing of the past. Just one more week of Hollywood Week, and then it’s all about the performances. Huzzah! Quick notes: Ellen does not seem like she is going to be awful (even though she was on SYTYCD). I seriously hearted the “Straight Up” cover by that one dude with glasses. I am excited about maybe 5 contestants already (more on that later).
3) This isn’t exactly a hurray, but you know my awesome Bucs hat? Well, some people don’t find it so awesome. Like, the entire population of NYC. Let me preface by saying that I once walked the streets of Brooklyn in a pirate costume, and not one person noticed. But with my Bucs hat? Everyone looks at me like I have an orange pom-pom-shaped growth on my head. Except 60-year-old men, who will shout out, “Buccaneers!” when they see it. Not like, “Go Bucs!” or “Hey, you like the Bucs?” but just “Buccaneers!” Which, honestly, is difficult to respond to appropriately. My typical response is, “Yep!” with corresponding jazz hands. Mostly because I have a natural inclination to use jazz hands when I don’t know what to say.
4) I also clap a lot. Any other clappers in the house?
As I mentioned earlier, I don’t talk Idol until the actual competition begins.
Even though, yes, auditions can be fun.
Want to know why? Because this guy was my very favorite after the audition round in season six:
” He looked so miserable that I had to draw a sad face to comfort myself. I almost drew a tear falling from the eye dot, but I decided it was overly dramatic for American Idol notes. Just barely.
